A Super Smash Bros Summer
by Mohawkman2233
Summary: What do you do when your parents ruin your summer? You write a story about people actually having fun in summer! Pit's awesome at volleyball. Ike and Marth fight over Peach. Link can't seem to think straight around Zelda. Samus has a little fun with Pit. Figure out the pairings yourself. Rated M for violence, swearing, and sexual undertones. *Wink*
1. Mallets, Feathers, and Whipped Cream

** So… summer's been around for less than a month and I've already begun to hate it. You see, my parents have become exceedingly worried that I have video game addiction, and have limited me to three hours a day, excluding Sundays. Not only that, but I had to write a report on said addiction. Three pages. Typed. **

** WELL WHOOPDIE-FUCKING-DOO!**

** Since then I've gone about a week without playing any at all, simply because I've lost the will to do so.**

** So I decided I'd write a story to help the summer go faster.**

** Without further complaining, I give you: ****A Smash Bros. Summer****.**

** P.S. My right contact lens is bound determined to make my life miserable as well.**

** We'll be starting off with Pit's POV…**

Mornings were never easy. The realization I get when I wake up telling me that if I don't scramble out of bed, something dreadful would happen to my goddess and my very home, usually hits me like a truckload of bricks. My wings never agree to such early activity, but they really have no say. Even now I can feel them straining as I throw my covers off. My horrors motivate me as my mind portrays the image of Palutena being tortured, lashed and beaten to the point of surrender. The twisted corners of my mind grow sickeningly interested at the thought. Is that truly what made Pittoo?

I sit up and clutch my hand to my forehead. My eyes flutter open, softly greeted by the silky sunlight floating in through the blinds.

Wait a second… I don't have blinds. Not in Skyworld. Where am I?

I glanced around the room. It had a cozy feel to it, plush carpet on the floor, well glossed furniture, and a decent-looking bed adjacent mine. Within its snuggly confines, I could just make out a mess of dirty blonde hair and a pair of pointed ears. A forest-green hat was hung on the headboard.

Oh… that's right… I'm in the dorm.

I was in Smash Manor. Good because I had the day off and could sleep in; bad because I can't get home. I groaned; once again my training had woken me up way earlier than I wanted to. I never truly understood how Link could hold the fate of an entire country on his shoulders and still remain so calm. Even now he was pretty much out cold. I doubt even Samus could wake him…

Nana could.

The pounding at the door was so sudden it made the Hylian leap out of his covers. I too held my ears; the noise was deafening. He glared at me, as if it was my fault he had been robbed of sleep. I merely waved him off.

Standing a little shakily, I stumbled over to the door and threw my hand on the knob, desperate to cease the horrible pounding.

I probably should have mentioned that I was up first before I opened the door.

The blunt end of a wooden mallet collided into my head, sending me sprawling backwards into the nightstand that Link and I shared with a resounding crash. The Hero of Time laughed before he made an effort to help me up.

The parka-clad behemoth darted in through the door, spewing apologies.

"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry Pit I didn't see you I'm sorry I broke your nightstand oh gosh why does this always happen to me-"

I raised my hand.

"Nana… stop. It's alright. I'll be fine."

Well, maybe fine was a little too much to hope for. I could already feel a bruise beginning to form on my head… and maybe a black eye, too… maybe my skull was cracked- how old is this girl?!

While the innocently maimed furniture behind me pieced itself back together due to Master Hand's magic, the little Ice Climber explained why she was here so unnaturally early in the morning. Actually, I wasn't really sure what time it was. I didn't get a chance to look at the alarm clock on the nightstand as my head went through it….

"So Zelda had this great idea-"

"Zelda?" Link perked up like a meerkat. He and his princess were quite close, so neither really did anything without the other knowing. The only difference between them was their sleep schedule. Zelda was a morning person; he was not.

"Er… yeah. She said that with the weather being so nice, and everyone having the day off…" She dug her shoe into the carpet like nervous kids on cartoons do. "We should have a pool party!" Nana nearly screamed that last part.

I put a hand to my chin. Somewhat out of confusion, but mainly to see if my jaw was broken. I had to admit, it did sound like a good idea. I wasn't a fantastic swimmer, but I was better than Sonic. How they convinced him to come along I had NO idea….

"Come on! It'll be fun!" She knew she had sold Link; Zelda plus pool party equals a sight not many people got to see… and that was Zelda in a bathing suit. His reasons, be they perverted or not, were logical. It was me Nana wasn't sure of. However, she had a trick for that as well. An evil glint flashed in her eyes at me as she spoke again.

"Samus'll be there."

That girl could read me like a book.

True, I had feelings for the bounty hunter; whether they were mutual or one-sided, however, was unknown to everyone. Including me. The picture laid out in my mind was enticing enough. Swiftly, I agreed.

"Yeah, sure! Tell Zelda I'll be there."

"Sure you don't want to tell Samus?" Link joked. I threw a pillow at him.

"Shut up, you're only in it for Zelda." I shot back.

He raised a finger to argue, until he realized that he couldn't.

"Touché."

"Good! Come on! Let's go!" Nana grabbed onto our arms and yanked, pulling us out into the hall. However, she neglected the fact that we only had boxers on. Link grabbed onto the door frame. I followed suit.

"Nana! Let us put some clothes on!" The Hylian screeched.

"Sweetie, let them go." A honey-like voice silenced the chaos.

**Peach's POV**

Honestly, the stuff that goes on in this mansion is getting weirder by the day. A few days ago, Jigglypuff had flattened herself and gotten sucked up into the ventilation shaft. Then just yesterday, Pikmin found out that it was quite comfortable inside Bowser's shell, much to the turtle's dismay. And today I find Nana dragging poor Link and Pit out of their room in only their boxers. What the actual-

Nana dropped the teens as if they were trash.

"I'm sorry, Miss Peach. But they were taking forever and-"

"Hush- it's alright." But by the look on Pit's face I could tell that it was definitely NOT alright. Did he have a black eye?

"Pit… are you alright?" I cradled his cheek in my hand, causing him to glow red.

"I'm fine Peach- I just… well… the girl packs a wallop."

"Can we change now? Please?" Link's irritated voice broke the eye lock. Pit flushed scarlet once again, remembering that he was still in his boxers.

"By all means." I shooed the two back into their dorm. However, when they began to take too long, I threatened to sic Nana on them. They were out of that room and in their trunks in three seconds flat.

"Let's go get Ike."

**Link's POV**

It felt kind of weird walking down the Smash Manor halls with just shorts on. Usually I'd be in my battle clothes; green, black, and brown covering every inch of my skin. I have to admit, the breeze is starting to freeze me out. Why do we keep it so cold in here? Pit looks fine. Can angels even get cold? Oh, wait. He has wings. Point taken.

I was the first to Ike and Marth's room. While it felt unfair that they wouldn't be woken up by a crazed girl with a mallet, I had to knock. However, when I did, there was no answer. Not all that suspicious, the prince and the mercenary were quite heavy sleepers. I knocked a little louder, hoping it would wake them.

Again, no reply.

I grew impatient. They wouldn't get to sleep in on my watch.

I pounded my fist against the door, desperately trying to make it as loud as possible.

Still no sign of activity.

That's it. Rage time.

Grabbing Nana's mallet, I wailed away on the door, my lack of sleep driving my anger. The wood threatened to give way with each massive thud. I didn't have to look back to see the fear on Peach's face.

And yet, nothing. I was about to explode. Just before I went to get the Master Sword, Pit put his hand on my shoulder, calming my lividity. Slowly he reached for the knob.

Oh, I knew what he was going to do. Extending my arms to act like a barrier for the two girls, I cautioned them softly.

"Uh… you may want to take a few steps back."

With one swift motion, Pit had ripped the door off its hinges and flung it away, not even breaking a sweat. Peach gaped. Nana was speechless.

Meh. I had seen him do it before. Turns out angels have super strength, or something to that effect. Somehow, the prince and the mercenary managed to sleep through even THAT.

Ike and Marth were extremely different, even in the way they slept. Marth was quiet as a mouse, never tossed or turned, and slept in a curled, withdrawn fashion. Even now, his bed looked like it was freshly made. I swear he's a girl sometimes.

Ike was about his polar opposite. Covers were flung everywhere, his body was sprawled out beyond recognition, and the long stream of drool that trailed out of mouth was a bit unsettling. The helm of Ragnell poked out from under his pillow, threatening harm to whoever dared to wake its master.

But the worst was his SNORING. If we weren't in a pocket dimension, you would have sworn a train was on a collision course with the mansion. How Marth managed ANY sleep was beyond me.

As Pit walked up beside me to observe the pathetic scene, the feathers on his wings brushed against my bare arm. An idea sparked in my head as I grinned devilishly.

That angel and I must be linked telepathically, because the second I looked at him, he had the same idea. I motioned soundlessly for him to raid the bathroom. In a flash, Pit had gone in and come back, carrying a bottle of shaving cream under his arm. Gently I reached up into his wing, fingering around for a loose feather. With a yank I plucked one out, causing Pit to wince. I whispered an apology and turned to Ike, my tools ready. Just as I was about to load his hand with his own shaving cream, Pit stopped me.

"Wait, we should wake Marth up first. He'll want to see this." I nodded. Pit tiptoed over and gripped the prince by his shoulders, shaking him awake.

"Mmmm…" His eyes twitched open. "Pit? W-what are you…?"

"Shh!" The angel said forcefully. He pointed a finger over to me, and I raised the bottle and feather that I had in my hands.

Marth chuckled. "Alright, but get Ragnell out of his reach. He may not be too happy when he wakes up."

Actually, I hadn't thought about that. The interesting thing about Marth was that he was just about the smartest guy in the mansion. Not smart as in with technology, but with common sense. And a holy sword to the head from an angry Ike sounded none too pleasant.

I waved Pit over; he had the steadiest hands. Gently wrapping his thin fingers around the great blade's handle, he slowly began to slide it out from under him.

The girls had long since caught on; now they and even Marth were huddled around Pit, fearing that the displacement of Ike's most beloved possession would rouse him from his slumber. Sweat traced the angel's forehead as they reached the halfway point. Slowly, carefully, the rounded tip began to near the end of the bed.

Marth's voice shattered the pressured silence.

"Wait! Who's going to catch-"

Too late. As the point of the sword slid off the bed, the weight overcame the angel's slick grip. Ragnell slipped out of Pit's hold and clattered to the floor, as if someone used Nana's mallet on a gong. Everyone clenched their eyes, fearing a wide awake, furious Ike.

But nothing. Not even a flinch. The blunette continued to sleep soundly, the only difference was that began to murmur a few words.

"Mmmm… sssure…Elincia… I'll marry you…" He clutched his pillow and brought it to his lips, whereas he began to kiss it passionately. I wasn't sure whether to be grateful or sickened.

Peach knew what she would be. FUMED.

"Who's this 'Elincia' person?!" She hissed. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Marth gulp.

That didn't matter right now. We were home free. Time to get this done.

I sprayed a generous helping of shaving cream on Ike's right hand, causing Nana to giggle wildly. Meanwhile, Ragnell was put behind Marth's bare back, barely hidden by the prince's skinny figure. Pit's wings did their best to help.

Having finished with the bottle, I handed it to Pit, who placed it on Marth's nightstand. I reached up with the feather and slid it back and forth across Ike's nose, as carefully as if my life depended on it. It probably did.

Ike's face twitched. He rolled the other way, now facing directly upwards. I increased the speed of the feather, causing the blunette to subconsciously bite his lip. His arm began to move.

SPLAT!

Ike roared.

I came to the sudden realization that this was a terrible idea.

He went for me first. Lashing out at me with his clean hand, he grabbed me by the throat and growled viciously. I could see my very death in his eyes. My life flashed before me. I could hear the scrambling footsteps of Peach and Nana barreling out of the room. I was a goner.

However, the goddesses were on my side. Pit, who I now deem my **freaking guardian angel**, wrestled me out of Ike's hand and threw me to the door. Marth wasn't far behind, Ragnell still concealed by his torso.

Pit leapt away from the enraged mercenary, eyes wide with fright. Ike tried to grab Pit's wing, but to no avail. The cream impaired his vision, and Pit was simply too fast. Darting away from Ike, he flew out of the room and down the hall, easily surpassing Marth and me.

We ran until we were out of the dorm building altogether. I bent down and clutched my knees; I don't think I've ever run that fast in my life.

However, I didn't really have a chance to catch my breath, as the entire group and I died laughing at the sound of Ike from his window:

**"WHERE'S MY DAMN SWORD?!"**

Marth turned pale.

** Well, I hope that sets the tone. If you don't like the Point of View setting, don't worry. I won't be using it for very long. Ike's an angry one, ain't he?**

** DO NOT FEAR, FANFICTION! I will update much quicker now that I have nothing to do this summer.**

**Please review and hang around! The next chapter's coming soon!**

** -Mohawkman2233**


	2. The Pairings are Set!

**So! Peach/Ike fluff anyone? Maybe a little Pit/Samus on the side. You want Link/Zelda widdat?**

**Marth's POV**

Great. I totally wanted to die this morning. Not only did we wake Ike up way earlier than we should have, but now he's pissed at us for pulling some retarded prank. And to top it all off, I'm the one who still has his sword. We can hear him from outside the building, stomping and swearing like a madman as he storms toward us. What the hell am I going to do?!

The faintest sense of relief comes to me as I see a smile on Pit's face. Thank Ashera, he had a plan. He was always a quick thinker-… what is he staring at? I follow the angel's gaze until it lands on Peach, who was smoothing out her dress's ruffles. I still have no idea how she ran so fast in that thing, but I suppose if Ike was chasing you….

Then I realize. She was our Get Out of Jail Free card. Pit's grin triangulates from him to me, then Link. We had to do it. There wasn't much time.

**Ike's POV**

_Those fuckers are gonna get it._

I can feel the stairs shake as I stomp down them. Those who cross my path know well enough to stay away. I didn't even care that I was in my boxers anymore; anger was nearly blinding me.

I come to the lobby. Just beyond the glass doors, I can make out the silhouette of something pink, huddled on the ground. It must have been Nana. She couldn't keep up. I'll bet she knew who had Ragnell.

Hot rage fueling me, I burst through the doors, nearly shattering them. I glance down menacingly at my feet, ready to attack.

Unfortunately, the face I saw I could never hurt.

Peach was kneeling down on the cement before me, gloved hands clasped together and bottom lip stuck out, quivering ever so slightly. Her eyes grew massive, tears staining the deep blue that I had fallen in love with. Barely audible whimpers jingled in my ears, so soft and delicate that my anger instantly fell apart. She looked so helpless, so fragile. She was something that needed to be protected, something that would perish if you weren't there to keep it safe. Something I couldn't bear to harm.

The livid feeling in my stomach was gone. Slowly I knelt down and wiped a tear away from her cheek. She smiled. I always loved it when she smiled. I wrapped my arms around her, promising her security. She hugged me as well, her dainty arms like twigs next to mine. I could stay here forever.

The stampede of footsteps I heard brought me back to reality. Looking up, all I caught was a flash of blue, brown, and blonde sprinting into the building, as well as something gold clattering to the floor. I studied it for a split second. It looked familiar, what was-….

THOSE BASTARDS.

I broke the embrace and stood furiously, my anger returning. Just as I was about to pursue, I can feel the previously "delicate" fingers of my princess fiercely gripping my ear. Nana suddenly appeared before me and crossed her arms. Peach hissed into my noggin.

"One minute, Ikey-poo. Who's this 'Elincia' I've heard so little about?"

Shit.

**And back we go to Pit!**

I don't know why I'm running.

I should be flying.

If Peach hadn't distracted Ike for as long as she did, we would probably be dead. Especially Marth; he still had Ragnell. We had split up when we came to the elevator, mainly because we figured that if Ike was going to follow, better to have him just maul one of us than all three.

Actually, did he even chase us? I seem to remember Peach holding him back…. Maybe I should check.

I picked my feet of the ground and put my weight in my wings, gliding over the silky carpet and swiveling around to see if I was in danger of being Ike-slammed. I saw nothing.

What I probably should have seen was that my path was not clear.

I could hear the bones in my neck crack unappreciatively as I crashed into something from behind. My speed was gone, and my wings allowed me to fall flat on my back onto whatever I had collided with. After some time, I rubbed my neck, hoping nothing was broken. I was getting pretty beat up today. Usually I'm smarter than this….

What I just seemed to notice, though, was how soft the carpet was. It was sort of warm, too. What floor was I on? I should try to move in up here. My eyes glanced around the hall for a room number. The door on my right read:

_Room 242: Samus Aran_

Man. This was the girl's floor. I should talk to Master Hand about getting my own carpet replaced. Palutena, this feels good. I snuggled myself into a curved position, my wings acting as my blanket. I hummed dreamily. I needed more sleep anyway; surely a quick nap would be alright….

"Enjoying yourself there?"

Well, I WAS.

I scrambled to my feet. Underneath me lied the perfect figure of Samus, concealed only by a midnight black cover-up. I could already feel heat rising to my cheeks.

And I had just used her YOU-KNOW-WHATS for a pillow.

**Samus's POV**

He's so cute when he's embarrassed.

I couldn't help but laugh as he helped me to my feet and stuttered while he tried to explain himself. Oh, he's getting so confused, I can't take it! I HAVE to mess with him! He's just asking for it!

"Well, I don't blame you." I said calmly. He looked at me like I had three heads.

I leaned in and whispered in the most seductive tone I could imagine.

"I'm great in bed-AHEM, I MEAN- I'm great as a bed."

His cheeks got so red. He turned away, trying to hide his shame, but to no avail. No one eludes Samus Aran.

I really must admit, just those trunks make him look good. Then again, he looks good in everything. I doubt there are any unattractive angels. His back looked strong; built for flight. From it sprouted the gorgeous wings that stole my breath every time I looked at them. His arms were crossed sheepishly in front of him, but even from here I could see the muscles bulging out of them. His eyes go with his hair in just the right way…. I wonder if you take out his head wreath, all his hair flops down? That would be so cute…. Well, now I have to.

Silently as to add the element of surprise, I pinched the laurel crown in my fingers and slid it out of his hair. Sure enough, the messy locks lost their form and drooped down into his eyes, just like Marth's. I could hear him trying to blow it out of his face, and it made me giggle. He turned around, hair held to his forehead with his palm. He feigned irritation.

"Come on, give it back."

I was reluctant. Instead, I observed the intricate headset in my hands. It looked like an olive branch, only it was solid gold. Simply to see his reaction, I shook out my ponytail and nestled the crown in my own hair, allowing my locks to intermingle with the wreath's leaves. When I was finished, I clasped my hands together and made a kiss face. He was rendered speechless.

"Y-you look… GORGEOUS…." Genuine affection laced his voice, causing me to blush.

"Thank you…." I honestly hadn't expected a GOOD reaction. Maybe I'm better at this than I thought.

Even so, he needed the wreath more than I did. However, when I tried to remove it from my head, it tugged on my hair, resilient to letting go. I winced.

Pit laughed. I glared in return. Taking a few steps forward, he reached up into my hair and began to untangle it ever so delicately. Never once was there a jerk, no pain of any kind at all. Just an angel's gentle fingers dancing about my head. When he was done, the crown slid out of my hair without difficulty and into his eager hands. I volunteered to place it back in his hair. He agreed, reluctantly.

As I wedged it around him, he pursed his lips, silently explaining to me just how bad of a job I was doing. I ignored him; I'd get it eventually. Soon, I did, or, at least, to where it was acceptable. He smiled stupidly, and began to pass me by. But just before he could, I reached out and took hold of him by the shoulder. I wasn't quite done with him yet.

He stopped, surprised at my forcefulness. He allowed me to lead him back around in front of me. This was it. Time to get this awkward friendzone phase out of the way.

"Pit…" My words were coming from my very heart; I could feel it. "Would you like to… oh, I don't know…" My confidence spiked as I saw his eyes light up. "Go out on a-…"

"PIT!" Came a very unexpected Hylian's voice. I glanced up and saw Link and Marth; the Hero in trunks, the prince in… boxers? I knew we were having a pool party, but what…?

Link suddenly cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, are we interrupting?" Marth seemed exceedingly worried about something, and was following it diligently with his acute eyes. Whatever it was seemed to be just down the adjacent hall.

I felt like screaming YES, but that wasn't strictly speaking decent, so I settled for a stuttering no, Pit following my lead.

"What's wrong?"

Marth turned to face the angel, eyes impossibly wide.

"Ike's on the move! And he's got Ragnell!"

If Pit was human, he might have passed out. He turned to me, patted my hand, rushed out an apology, and took off down the hall, the other two swordsmen trailing him closely.

Only a few seconds later I was greeted with the sight of a steaming Ike, again only in his boxers, Ragnell lit and clutched tightly in his hand. The fire of his sword was only matched by the fire in his eyes. As soon as he passed me, however, without even stopping, he flashed me a big, cheesy grin.

"Mornin', Samus!"

And off he went.

Peach was right. These people are crazy.

—

**Time for third person POV. The others are making me crazy.**

Zelda knew that Charizard was protective of Red, but this was getting ridiculous. Right now the massive lizard had planted himself in front of the trainer's door, simply refusing to let the princess pass. She was trying her hardest to remain calm, but if this thing didn't get out of her way, there would be fire. Lots of it.

For about the TENTH time, she pleaded with the dragon.

"Charizard… please, I just need to speak with Red-"As she reached for the doorknob, the reptile's massive wing sliced down between them, barricading the dorm from the princess. He crossed his arms, flames seething in his jaw. Zelda gritted her teeth. Din's Fire began to swirl around her hands as she clenched her gloved fists.

Just before things got ugly, there was a soft knock from the door behind Charizard. The lizard backed a few feet away, allowing an extremely sleepy-looking Red to hobble out. Silent as ever, he merely gave the sorceress a hard stare and a sigh. Red language for _Come on, spit it out._

Zelda scratched her head while she spoke. "Erm… yes. The guys and I are having a pool party. Would you like to join us?"

Red's expression didn't change, but you didn't have to use magic to see the gears in his head turning. Shortly he shrugged and nodded his head. As he disappeared back into the dorm, his dragon of a bodyguard stomped in after him, eyeing Zelda threateningly. She sighed. It always mystified her how Red could carry on a conversation without ever saying a word.

Oh well. Her job here was done. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted the blurred image of Link, Pit, and Marth, apparently running for their lives. As they passed her she hurriedly transformed into Sheik; she would never be able to keep up with them normally.

"From whom are we running?" She questioned as she caught up to them, not quite used to the change in her voice.

The three swordsmen were too busy sprinting to be surprised.

"The madman with the sword!" Link cursed, panting.

Sheik looked accusingly to Marth, who shook his head exhaustedly.

"Not me! The other madman with a sword!"

Ike's malevolent shouts echoing behind them were evidence enough of their pursuer.

"Ah. I see."

Panicked silence passed for all of two seconds.

"Have you two agreed to the party?" The Sheikiah asked.

"Of course we agreed-"gasped Pit, "-why else would we be in trunks?"

"That's what this is about?" Marth said dryly. "I thought you two just forgot to put on shirts."

"That may have been funny at a different time-…" Link glanced over his shoulder, instantly regretting it. Ike was gaining. FAST. Not only that, but his own stomach was cramping up. He couldn't run for much longer. Exhaustion was visible on Pit and Marth's faces. They were running out of options, and running out of time.

Pit cracked first.

"Sheik… can you help us with this?!"

The ninja chuckled deeply.

"Of course. Shield your eyes!" In an instant, Sheik had thrown down a smoke bomb and shrouded the hall in a dense fog. Within the darkened cloud, she grabbed each one of the boy's arms and yanked them into another hallway, out of Ike's path. All three breathed a sigh of relief as the infuriated mercenary continued straight, rage making him unwilling to check the other corridor. As soon as the threat had passed, Pit flopped down on the carpet, a bit saddened that he didn't have Samus for a pillow this time around. His wings sprawled out beside him, grateful for rest.

Link and Marth thought that looked like a GREAT idea. They, too, collapsed to the carpet around Pit, each panting heavily. Sheik simply shook her head.

Red materialized from the remaining smoke, frightening everyone except, as one might expect, the ninja. His trunks were, well, red. Blood red. He didn't utter a word, merely stared at the four from the dark recesses of his hat.

"Sheik, honestly. You really should think about training him; he'd make an excellent Sheikiah." Marth groaned. Over the silence, you could hear Red chuckle. It was a dark chuckle, but a chuckle nonetheless. The trainer could be a bit unsettling at times, but he had a good heart underneath.

Sheik stood, swirling into a purple aura as she turned back into Zelda. As her personality reverted as well, she blushed at the fact that the guys around her had very little actual clothes on; Marth was still in his boxers. Not one of them had a shirt. To top it all off, with the exception of Red, they were all curled up on the floor. She was starting to sweat. Her heart began to pound out of her chest. Her breathing became much more rapid and audible. Link eyed her suspiciously.

"You alright, Zel? You look hot." Her mind warped that into a perverse compliment as he stood up and took her hand. His eyes began to melt hers as their gazes met.

However, she lost it when he flipped his hair like a playboy. She always loved it when he did that.

Oh Fayore, she had to get out of there.

With a squeal, she raised her fists to her torso and bolted down the hall, leaving a group of confused teens behind.

"What was that all about?" Pit whispered. Red shrugged.

**As you can tell, I like a bad mouth Marth. I like an angry Ike. I like a softer side to Samus. I like a dark Red. I like a badass Sheik. I like a self-conscious, girly Zelda. But I like Peach EXACTLY THE WAY SHE IS: FREAKING ADORABLE.**

** Yes, the pairings are set. No, there won't be any Red/Zelda, just in case you were wondering. Sowwy.**

** I like this chapter. Longer, fluffier, and it had a ninja in it. WHO DUDNT LIKE DAT SHIT?!**

** Don't worry folks, the erotic fluff between Samus and Pit is far from over. I have a few more plans in mind for them. *pets cat and laughs maniacally* EHUAHAHAHAHA**

** Please review and hey- you guys don't think that when SSBU comes out, we'll forget and stop reading all the old SSBB fics? I'm extremely late to this party.**

**-Mohawkman2233**


	3. The Forever Crazy Crazy Hand

"Hmm… it says here that Pit asked for ice cream…."

Master Hand was reading off the list of requested refreshments the smashers gave him whenever the fridge was low. Not that big of a deal, unless you include the fact that the amount of people that resided at Smash Manor went through food QUITE swiftly, and that he was getting a new list just about every other day. The thought crossed his mind of perhaps just getting a bigger fridge.

"…But it also says that he wants it on the floor."

He paused.

"On the floor? What sense does that make?"

The massive hand heard something crash behind him and quickly swiveled around to meet it. In a cloud of dust stood, or rather floated, his brother Crazy Hand. Something red was pinched in his gargantuan fingers.

"HEY BRO! WATCH THIS! I'M SANTA!" The mysterious object revealed itself to be a fire extinguisher, hinges apparently torn from the wall.

"Crazy, what are you- wait, one min- PUT THAT DOWN!"

No use. Crazy Hand sprayed the canister's contents onto his face (Well, what would have been considered his face), leaving a frothy mess all over himself as well as the kitchen.

"TADA! INSTANT BEARD!" He aimed it at Master Hand. "YOUR TURN!"

"AHH!" The huge glove scrambled out of the room, his insane brother hot on his trail.

"YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO BE SANTA!" As Crazy Hand chased his relative down the halls, he layered the ceiling and floor in a thick sheet of dry chemicals, giving the impression that a blizzard occurred indoors. However, the canister's contents were finite, and soon ran out.

The insane extremity was utterly dismal as that fact was discovered.

"Aww… that's not fair…"

"FAIR?! YOU MORON YOU ALMOST KILLED ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Master Hand cleared his throat.

"Ahem, sorry. I'm going back to the kitchen. You can come with me IF you can control yourself."

"Mkay."

However, the second the sane hand had turned his back to his brother, Crazy Hand produced five more fire extinguishers, one in each finger. He then proceeded to drown Master Hand.

Feeling accomplished, he darted out of the corridor.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!"

Master Hand groaned. Suddenly, a black, spiked paw was offered to him.

Lucario was standing over him, crimson eyes glinting with steely diligence. He spoke with telepathy.

_Need a hand? No pun intended._

Grateful, the huge glove put his thumb in the pokemon's hand, slowly lifting himself into the air once more.

"Thank you."

_Of course._ _I don't think I could deal with… THAT… every day. _

"Eh, in a few millennia, you learn to love him."

_I'm sure. Weren't you doing something?_

If he had a face, the hand would have facepalmed.

"I was. I had to restock the fridge."

_Do you require assistance? I don't have much else to do._

He froze for a split second. Lucario wasn't usually this open.

"Sure. Come with me."

The kitchen was a complete MESS. Extinguisher fluid caked the walls and floor, looking like cement now that it had a chance to dry. Any loose object had been cast to the floor, no doubt by the snowy onslaught. Any paper that had been there was thoroughly soaked, including Master Hand's list. It really was a dreadful sight.

Nothing two psychics couldn't handle.

The glove used his magic to move all the chemicals off of the walls and down the drain, picking up anything that had been blasted to the ground. Lucario easily found the list and dried it with an aura flame.

Within a few seconds, the room was spotless.

Lucario glanced to the list.

_Does this say "floor ice cream?"_

Master Hand nodded.

—

"Otacon, there's no way it's a dude."

Snake was sitting casually on Smash Manor's living room sofa, hissing a heated argument into his communicator. Just outside the glass window you could see Yoshi, being ridden around like a horse by about thirteen Pikmin, who were making a grand escape from Olimar. The soldier and the man on the other end of the phone line simply couldn't agree on what the dinosaur's gender was.

_"Seriously, Snake. All of our files here say that it's male. You want to argue with a supercomputer? Be my guest."_

"It LAYS EGGS. It's female."

_"The thing even says that it's a guy. You're wrong."_

"Oh, since when could you understand dinosaur?"

_"Hey, watch- okay, you called my bluff."_

"It's female."

_"Go check the Smash Manor library. I'm sure they have something on him."_

"Alright. I will."

He stood and left the room. Naught but a few minutes later, he and his communicator were reading data files, hunched over one of the countless computers the library had to offer.

"Let's see… height, weight, diet, favorite color, place of birth, preferred sandwich type- here we go. Gender."

The static on his com link was the prevalent sound for the next few seconds.

_"Well? What does it say?"_

_ "_It says it's genderless."

_"Genderless? How does that make any sense? How do they repopulate? And it still doesn't explain why they can lay eggs!"_

The two's argument didn't have time to spark up again, as Crazy Hand suddenly crashed through the wall, barrel rolling, squealing, and spraying fire extinguishers everywhere.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Was all he said before crashing through another wall, exiting the room in a most spectacular fashion.

Snake sweatdropped.

_"Snake? Hello?! What's going on over there? I heard a crash!"_

The soldier cleared his throat.

"Nothing unusual."

-—

After about forty minutes of being painstakingly careful, Pit, Link, Marth, and Red finally made it to the kitchen. Ike's anger lasted a bit longer than they thought it would, so they had decided to use the only thing that could calm him other than Peach-and that was food.

Pit opened the fridge and nearly cried. Every kind of food you could imagine had been stuffed into it, from Heart Potions to whole cloves of garlic. He turned to his three companions with watery eyes.

"Hey guys…."

They turned to face him.

"Master Hand restocked the fridge…."

Instantly they forgot why they were there. Huge cheers rang out as the angel, the prince, and the hero dove into the relatively small icebox, wolfing down anything they could get their hands on. Red merely picked up a granola bar and shook his head pathetically. Link and Pit could maybe get away with this behavior, but Marth? Maybe manners hadn't been invented in Altea.

But something caught his eye. Down in the recesses of the fridge, Red spied what appeared to a scarlet bucket, a white-colored man with glasses on the side. Poking out from the rim was a number of chicken legs. It read "KFC" on the side.

Red's stomach growled. Maybe he was hungrier than he thought.

He reached in and picked up the bucket, placing it in the microwave and setting the time for about thirty seconds. Meanwhile, Pit was becoming increasingly interested in something off to the side of the fridge.

He was trembling at the sight of ice cream. Ice cream. ON THE FLOOR.

Marth's head popped up over his shoulder.

"What's that doing there?" He reached to pick it up, only to have his hand slapped back by Pit.

"Don't you dare touch it. It's… it's perfect…."

"What?"

"Allow me to explain:" he swiveled to meet the prince face to face, "You see, friend, floor ice cream gives you- Red… what are you eating?"

All three heads turned to the trainer, who was munching happily on a KFC chicken leg. Link turned pale.

"Red?! What the hell are you doing?! THAT'S IKE'S CHICKEN!"

Red immediately choked. Pit yanked the bucket out his hands, and nearly fainted as he looked inside.

"It's… it's empty."

Link panicked. He began to scream at Red, his face crimson with rage.

"Red, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! NOW WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"Not quite!" Marth snapped. Link's anger began to fade as the prince laid out a plan.

"Look-if we can just find Master Hand before Ike finds us, we can have him get another KFC bucket. We give it to Ike, he chills out, PROBLEM SOLVED." He glanced around the room. "But first, I'll need a volunteer."

"For what?" Pit asked.

Marth grinned devilishly.

"Bait."

—

"Ahh… this is nice…."

Master Hand was sitting on one of the lounge chairs around the pool, Lucario beside him. After the fridge had been restocked, the pokemon had offered to instruct the hand on the ways of meditation, to help soothe his nerves caused by dealing with his insane brother. The glove's thumb and little finger were crossed over in front of his palm, giving the impression of folded hands. The silence was only broken by the occasional whisper of Lucario in his thoughts.

_Excellent. Clear your mind of all outside distractions. Find your center. Release your troubles. Take a deep breath._

Master Hand did as instructed, heaving a deep sigh, feeling his relaxation overtaking him.

_Very good. You're a natural at this._

Quiet dominated the air, settling down on the two as thick as a blanket. Minutes passed. Nothing could break the still peace.

However, something did. Lucario's thoughts sparked as two new auras entered his mind's detection range. Slowly he parted one eye, greeted with the sight of Link being chased by an enraged Ike. He opened his other eye and furrowed his brow.

_Interesting… I wonder what-_

Three more auras revealed themselves; one of them immortal. The jackal jerked his head towards them, diligent and alerted. No threat was found, merely Marth, Pit, and Red. They looked like they had just seen a ghost.

"Lucario! We need to talk with-"

The pokemon merely closed his eyes and held up his paw.

_If you wish to speak with Master Hand, you must wait. He is immersed in meditation. It would be unethical to provoke him._

Before either the prince or the angel could argue, Red wedged his hands between them and split them apart, allowing himself clear passage towards the aura wielder. He stalked up to him, dark storm clouds of malice thundering at his feet. Glaring directly down into Lucario's eyes, his scowl could kill a man. The jackal's hair stood on end as his trainer's expression chilled him to the core. Telepathic conversation was inaudible, but evident.

_I-I see… very well. You may disturb him._

Pit and Marth glanced frightenedly to each other.

Lucario stood and left, the menacing teen before him watching him like a hawk.

The prince shook Master Hand out of his daze.

"W-what? What is it?"

"I'm sorry, Master Hand, but we have an urgent favor to ask."

The glove rose into the air.

"O-of course. What do you need of me?"

"You know the KFC bucket you got for Ike?"

Master Hand paused.

"Yes… what of it?"

Only then did he spy the breading crumbs hidden away in the corners of Red's lips.

"…oh…"

With a wave of his finger, a six-piece combo was resting in Marth's hands.

"Thanks."

—

Only a few minutes later, Link burst into the kitchen, panting like a dog. Marth, Red, and Pit were already there, a fresh batch of chicken in Pit's arms. Red leaned the exhausted hero on his shoulder, allowing him to rest. Marth's tone was hurried.

"How long until he gets here?"

Link could barely lift his head to reply.

"Not long. He was right behind me. It should only take him a few seconds."

Sure enough, the fuming swordsman was in the doorway within moments, the unsettling flames of Ragnell throwing out smoky orange rays of holy light.

He grinned maliciously. They were pinned. Nowhere to run.

He raised his beloved sword into the air, poised to attack.

However, just before he could, something utterly delicious was crammed into his mouth by Pit.

He staggered backwards, anger flaring for a split second. Slowly, his senses began to register just what exactly had been shoved into his jaw.

Sweet Ashera, it was chicken.

All rage was drained from his body as he dropped his sword, bringing relief to the four teens in front of him. He wolfed down the piece in his mouth and took a deep breath.

"I. Forgive. All of you."

The massive wind of relieved sighs that emanated from Pit, Link, Marth, and Red nearly knocked the mercenary off his feet. However, some wished they still had that breath in their lungs as Ike crushed them all in a massive bear hug.

"Ike…" Pit whimpered, "c-can't breathe…."

"Heh… sorry, there, buddy." The massive bluenette dropped the four and ruffled the angel's hair.

Pit groaned.

"HO HO HO MOTHERFUCKERS!" Crazy Hand appeared out of **freaking nowhere** and aimed five fire extinguishers at the boys, laughing maniacally. He released the triggers, allowing a huge wave of dry chemicals to burst forth.

Pit barely got his Mirror Shield out in time.

As the shield flashed, the swamp of white was redirected back at the insane assailant, causing him to squeal.

"NOES! I'VE BEEN SANTATIZED!" The hand screamed, spiraling out of the kitchen and into the hallway wall, leaving a gaping hole.

Marth spoke first.

"Uh…"

Ike threw his hands into the air.

"I don't even wanna know."

**CHICKEN SOLVES EVERYTHING!**

** Oh, that cheeky Crazy Hand… don't worry, we'll be seeing him again soon.**

** This chapter was kinda meh in my opinion. I really just threw the thing in with Snake for filler content. I'm not a very good writer, am I? **

** Oh well. Maybe now I can finally get my shit together and get the actual pool party started. Well, we may have to go through a few more misadventures first.**

** If you're confused about the floor ice cream bit, allow me to explain:**

** In Kid Icarus Uprising, Palutena says that Pit eats some interesting things off the ground, the reason being that food is the source of more life in the game, and is usually found on the floor. Pit responds with:**

** "Floor ice cream gives you health!"**

** And the line spun onto the internet. And we all know what happens when the internet gets its hands on things… *shudders as creepy music plays***

** But anyway, sippurp123 requested more Link/Zelda fluff. I'm proud to say that I have something planned. It just won't come immediately.**

** Well, I think I've wasted enough of your time. Peace!**

** -Mohawkman2233**


	4. Just Girly Things

**So! I bet you're all wondering what happened to Zelda!**

** Every Smasher: NO!**

** Toon Link: Booo! Write a lemon! It's the only thing you're actually good at!**

** B-but… the story…**

** Ganondorf: Have Samus seduce and rape Pit!**

** Everyone: lolwut**

** Samus: …**

** Pit: uh…**

** Link: Just get on with it. This chat session is retarded.**

** Marth: True dat.**

"Honestly, Zel, I can't see why you're so worried."

After the princess had run off, she and Samus had found each other and returned to Zelda's dorm. Samus was simply chilling on the bed while the sorceress may as well of been having a heart attack. She was hidden away in her bathroom, refusing to come out in her new swimsuit.

"But Samus! I look horrible! This isn't me! I belong in a dress; this is too…"

"Zelda, I'm sure you look fine."

"It doesn't work with me! I can't wear this! I'm not slutty like you!"

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Er, I mean, I'm not as good looking as you! And what if Link hates it?!"

"He won't. Trust me."

"I'm not coming out."

Samus stood.

"Oh, I think you are."

"Wha-"

Within the time span of about three seconds, Samus had picked the bathroom lock with a bobby pin, shot her hand through the door, grabbed Zelda's arm and dragged her out into the hall. The princess squealed and crossed her arms over her chest, her lavender one-piece all that concealed her. She felt so exposed, so vulnerable. So cold. Why the hell was it so cold in here?!

The huntress merely shook her head and shut the door.

"Really, Zel, you look great."

"No I don't! I can't let anyone see me like this!"

"I can."

While Samus and the princess had about the same figure, Samus was much stronger and athletic. Bolting behind her friend, she scooped her up into her arms with little difficulty. Zelda kicked and squealed like an infuriated toddler, but only to have the result of a chuckle from Samus. She was carried out of the hall, down the stairs, through the glass doors of the dorm building, and off in the direction of the pool area. The princess fought with all her might, but to no effect. Truly, nothing could escape Samus Aran.

"Samus! Put me down!" She practically screamed.

"Not until Link sees how cute you are!" She replied, her voice choked with laughter.

"NO! I don't want him to see me! Not like this! Samus?! SAMUS?!"

The huntress couldn't reply. She was laughing too hard. Zelda certainly was a feisty one, but when she wasn't using any magic, she was really no threat. Even now her dainty little hands were basically crumbling as she tried to force herself out of Samus's grip. No wonder she got kidnapped as often as she did; there was nothing to her! The blonde was barely even trying, and still she had no trouble.

Both heads jumped towards the kitchen building as Crazy Hand crashed out of it, soaked in extinguisher fluid. As he flew by, Samus could hear him bawling and wailing like a newborn. She looked back to Zelda, who was just as bewildered as she was.

"I think we should check it out."

"NO! PUT ME DOWN! I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T LET GO OF ME I WILL BURN OUR ROOM AND ALL YOUR CLOTHES!"

Samus gave Zelda a look that read: _What. The. Fuck._

"I'll take my chances. Come on."

The hole in the wall was actually quite expansive, large enough for the two to come in with ease. Just as Samus stepped inside, a sweet, high-pitched voice resounded behind them.

"Lady of the Stars! What happened out here?"

The princess and the huntress turned to face Peach, who had strolled up behind them and was gawking at their chosen way of entry. Now she, like Samus, had been outfitted for the pool; the only difference being that her cover-up was hot pink. As she tore her eyes from the crippled wall, she furrowed her brow at the sight of Zelda in the other blonde's arms.

"What's wrong, Zel? Can't you walk? I know you're a princess, but-"

"Oh, she can walk. But she wouldn't come out of her bathroom. She thinks she looks awful."

"That's because I do! Don't take me to see Link! PLEASE!"

Peach thought it was hilarious.

"Actually, that's a great idea! Need any help?"

"PEACH!"

"Yeah, sure. Take her arm. We can walk her the rest of the way."

"WHAT?! NO!"

Samus dropped Zelda to her feet, Peach immediately taking hold of her left arm. The huntress took her right.

"Sweetie, why are you worrying so much?" Peach cooed. "You look great!"

"NO! PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME- S-SAMUS!" The poor thing started to cry. The blonde princess looked over to the huntress, her eyes slightly overcome with sadness. Samus merely shrugged and pulled them along. All Zelda needed to be shown was how good she actually looked, then she wouldn't be so self-conscious. Taking her to see Link would do just that. Luckily for Samus, the kitchen was probably the first place that the Hero of Time would go.

As the three stepped into the hallway, the first thing they noticed was that they probably should have watched exactly **where** they stepped into the hallway. Dry chemicals were plastered on nearly every inch of the walls, floor, even the ceiling. Any potted plants had been shattered, scattered dirt soaking up unsettling amounts of the white froth. Paintings had been thrown from their hanging points, all thoroughly drenched. Samus picked up her foot and brushed the foam off of it.

"Yikes."

They tiptoed carefully toward the kitchen, cautiously stepping over and around any puddles of extinguisher fluid. The smell was nauseating.

However, there was an even worse smell emanating from the door that led into their destination.

As Samus popped her head into the kitchen, she barely had enough time to duck under a rouge splotch of mashed potatoes that had been thrown at a ridiculous speed. The other two girls quickly surrounded her, all looking into the room with gaping mouths.

It was an all-out food war. Link and Pit were entrenched on the left side of the kitchen, Ike and Marth on the right. Two tables were propped up in front of each group, serving as some makeshift barricade. The fridge was wide open, completely drained of its contents. Every kind of food imaginable had been splattered on the walls, the floor, and especially the barriers. Ike's KFC bucket was on the mercenary's head, serving the dignified role of an army helmet. Cakes, fruits, desserts, even different kinds of meat were being thrown back and forth. A steak deviated from its intended path as Marth knocked it away…

… right into Samus's face.

"Ow!"

Everyone stopped. Steaks didn't say "ow."

All eyes turned to the huntress, massively wide in both fear and guilt. Samus peeled the steak off her features, her expression promising death. Marth began to sweat as the blonde took a step forward.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Until she had planted herself next to Pit, hidden away and crouching down behind the flipped table.

That steak suddenly found its new home. Marth's face.

The war resumed. Samus's long, powerful arms gave the angel and the hero quite the advantage; she was accurate as hell. It wasn't long before Ike gestured for Peach to come over to their side; they were losing badly. She squealed as she dove behind the table, grabbing an orange and throwing it into Link's eye.

Link fell over, but either from laughter or pain nobody really knew.

"We got a man down!" Pit shouted, motioning for Samus to cover him while he tended to the wounded. There was really no injury, but hey, may as well play up the drama.

"Augggh… I'm dying! Oh sweet Fayore, I'm dying!"

"Link!" Pit lifted the Hylian into his arms. "No! Don't go into the light!"

Ike, Peach, and Marth stopped throwing; they were on the floor in hysterics.

"It's too late for me… Pit… nnrrgh… tell Zelda… tell-"

He opened one eye to make sure Zelda was in the doorway. Only her head was visible, but that was enough.

"Tell Zelda I loved her…"

"No! It's- you're gonna be alright! Link! We'll fix you up! And then we can go home! And we can eat ice cream! Just like we used to! Come on, Link! Don't do this to me! Don't do this to Zelda!"

Both he and Link could hardly keep a straight face. Even Samus was losing it. She lifted her head up to the princess.

"Zelda! You're just going to let him die?! Come give him a parting kiss!"

Ike could barely breathe.

Zelda cowered back into hall, shaking her head no. Under normal circumstances she would have played along, but she couldn't let Link see her. Not now.

"Come on Zel!" Peach giggled. "Let a man die happy!"

Link murmured again.

"Oh, if only I could see her… one last time…"

"Oh, Palutena-"Pit looked to the ceiling and spoke in a preacher's voice. "Why must this man die alone?"

Marth pounded his fist against the floor, unable to think straight.

"ZELDA! GET IN HERE!" Samus shouted.

The princess squeezed her eyes shut. Just run in, peck him on the lips, run out. His eyes were closed anyway, he would never see her. Clenching her fists, she bolted into the room and placed her mouth over his, barely making contact at all.

What Zelda didn't count on, however, was Link's sudden resurrection.

His arms flew around the sorceress before she could make her escape, pulling her lips back into his for the world's sloppiest kiss. Link bounded out of Pit's arms and on top of Zelda, his tongue dancing gracefully around in her mouth. She melted into him, her own arms grasping his bare back. Pit stood.

"It's a miracle!"

Link's mind began to register what he felt under his fingertips. The usually fluffy, soft ruffles and laces of her dress were absent; the only thing he could feel was a silky smooth layer of latex. Slowly his eyes parted, and without even breaking the lip lock, swept up and down her body.

So THAT'S why she was so embarrassed.

As Zelda opened her eyes, she saw that Link could see her. Instantly she drew away, her arms crossed sheepishly and her back to him. She whimpered fearfully, afraid of the harsh laughter that she was sure would follow.

But no. Nothing. The only thing that changed was the appearance of Link's hand on her exposed shoulder. He turned her around, his eyes sparking with reassurance and awe. Softly he hugged her, a deep sigh flowing from his throat. Her mewling ceased. He had accepted her.

Little did she know that he would have accepted her even if she had been wearing a used garbage bag.

The scene was truly touching. Samus was the only one to break the silence.

"Wow."

She looked to Pit playfully.

"I don't suppose you've suffered a fatal wound, have you?"

Pit shrugged, grinning.

"Maybe."

What happened to Pit next is best summed up in the word: GLOMP.

Ike pulled Peach into his arms, running his hands through the princess's blonde hair. She fell limp, resting her head against his broad chest.

Marth crossed his arms and scowled. Who the hell was going to hug him?!

Suddenly he remembered his wedding ring.

_Oh yeah… forgot about that for a second._

He spoke emotionlessly.

"So who's going to clean this up?"

Everyone (except Marth) said in unison:

"Not it."

Marth facepalmed.

"Dammit."

**Toon Link: … Well, that was kind of a lemon.**

** Ganondorf: BOOO! I wanted someone to get raped!**

** Can someone beat him up please.**

** Link: *cracks knuckles* Gladly.**

** Ganondorf: Wuh-oh.**

** Sorry this one was a bit short. I hope I made up for it with how funny it was.**

** Poor Zelda… so self-conscious… yet so pretty… actually, the Zelink fluff I had here wasn't what I was talking about in the last chapter. So… guess what? MORE FLUFF IS TO COME!**

** Marth is married, right? I remember reading somewhere that he was, but I can't be bothered to check.**

** Now readers, here's the thing. I have loads of ideas for this main group (Pit, Marth, Link, Ike, Samus, Peach, and Zelda) and I'm not saying that I haven't thought this through, but if you want, throw me a group of Smash characters that you want to see something hilarious happen to. Heck, I'll even take requests. I want this story to be interactive, user-friendly, if you will. But do keep pairings to a minimum. Even though I don't.**

** Oh, and apparently just because I have nothing to do this summer doesn't mean I'll actually update any faster. I guess I'm just slow because I'm slow.**

**Be sure to check out the new monthly poll! (Or don't... I really don't care... it's not really that interesting anyway...)**

** Until next time!**

** -Mohawkman2233**

** (P.S. Just realized that the baby name for Ike and Mia, the sword girl from F.E. P.o.R and R.D., sounds like IKEA. Lol.)**


	5. Clawshot, I Choose You!

** Alright, my sister recently got me hooked on this anime called Heaven's Memo Pad, and the reason that this is coming in a bit late is because I've spent the past few days watching all the episodes. Also I've been trying to draw manga. Trying… so… hard…. BUT! I'm here now, so you all can relax.**

** Zelda: We were never worried.**

** Link: Yeah, you left us in some pretty good positions when we left off.**

** Ganondorf: Especially Pit, Samus was on top of him.**

** *Both Pit and Samus grab Smash Balls***

** Samus: IMMA FIRIN MY LAZAARRRRS!**

** Pit: It's rainin men! *clap* Hallelujah, it's rainin men! *clap* AMEN!**

** Ganondorf: Oh noes *runs***

Regardless of whatever unwritten laws were encoded in the game of "Not It", everyone helped Marth clean up anyway. Master Hand would be furious if they saw what a mess they had made.

Just as Samus was replacing the kitchen's garbage bag, she felt something soft brush against her bare leg. Lifting the black vinyl with a sharp tug, she revealed two long, canary yellow ears and a pair of bright red cheeks.

She barely caught the mouse as it pounced into her arms.

"Pikaaaaa…."

If Smash Manor was a college, Pikachu would have been the stray dog that everyone on campus had universally adopted. He was everyone's pet, even though he truly belonged to Red.

However, anyone new to the mansion would have thought that Samus was his very mother.

"Hey, little guy!" Her voice was laced with cheerful adoration, something profoundly rare for the huntress. "Where did you come from?"

All eyes turned to the blonde, sweetly cradling the mouse in her arms as he squealed contently.

She drew her finger down Pikachu's forehead, causing the skin to fold and give the hilarious impression of a furrowed brow.

"How mean of your trainer, leaving you all alone… don't worry, I got you…"

Pit raised an eyebrow. It was like Samus became a completely different person whenever Pikachu was around. He was like her child.

Pit paused.

_I wonder how she is with kids…_

He nearly slapped himself.

"Samus…" Ike spoke up, "you can't keep stealing him from Red. What're you going to do when this tournament is over?"

"I didn't steal him! He came to me this time! Doesn't that mean I get to keep him?"

Zelda sighed.

"Sam, the saying goes like this: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. You have to set him free one more time."

The huntress scowled.

"Fine."

Delicately setting the mouse in the doorway, she backed up a few feet and waited for him to react.

In her mind she had expected him to simply jump into her arms again, as he usually did whenever she placed him somewhere. Soon enough Red wouldn't have to worry about his little yellow ball of life anymore.

But he didn't budge. He simply cocked his head, smiling at Samus with an innocent grin.

"Pi?"

Red appeared in the doorway, as if on cue. Again, he spoke not a word, but indicated he was looking for Pikachu with a quick glance around the room.

You could nearly hear Samus's heart shatter as the mouse jumped into his trainer's arms, instead of hers.

She spoke in a low whisper, not even catching Red's attention.

"…dammit…"

Link and Ike began to laugh, but were quickly notified by their respective girlfriends to shut the hell up.

Pit fluttered up beside Samus and kissed her on the cheek.

"I'll see what I can do about catching you one."

She wrapped her arms around his chest and squeezed him; he always did everything in his power to make her smile.

Ike spoke.

"Red, where did you go? You just left after I came into the room."

The trainer shrugged.

Link whispered to Ike.

"_I don't think he likes you…"_

"I don't know about you guys," Marth broke the silence. "but I'm going to go actually put some trunks on. I think I have watermelon in my boxers." He pushed past Red and sped out into the hall.

Ike was literally **right** behind him.

"Good idea."

Peach turned to Link.

"So what happened with the fire extinguishers? There wasn't an actual fire, was there?"

Link shrugged and shook his head.

"No, but there was a Crazy Hand."

The seven of them eventually stepped out into the hallway, exiting through the actual door this time, not the entrance that the girls took. Pikachu had been set down to walk on his own, but the pudgy thing simply wouldn't have it. He pawed and pawed on Pit's leg, begging to be carried. The angel picked him up and handed him to Samus. She looked like he had just handed her a million dollars and the keys to a new ship.

As they passed Smash Manor's Battle Hall, they were rejoined by Ike and Marth. Peach was drawn like a magnet to Ike's huge chest, and he didn't mind in the least.

Up ahead Nana could be seen chatting with Meta Knight. The Wielder of Galaxia seemed extremely uninterested in what the Ice Climber was saying. Perhaps she was trying to convince him to come to the party.

Link raised his arm to block the eight people behind him.

Zelda spoke.

"What is it, Link?"

"You guys ever notice how Meta Knight never takes off his mask?"

Marth furrowed his brow.

"Yeah, so?"

"What do you think his face look like?"

This interested everyone, specifically Pit.

"I hear he looks just like Kirby, only blue."

"That sounds adorable!" Peach chimed.

"What of it? It's not like you'll be able to get it off of him anyway. He cuts anyone who gets to close." Samus's curt voice once again replaced her sweet, motherly one.

Link pulled out a gauntlet of some sort from behind his back.

"What if I don't need to get close?"

Kneeling down behind the bushes, Link pointed the strange-looking device directly at Meta Knight. He clicked a few buttons on the gadget's interior, causing the front to spring open into the shape of a skill crane claw.

Zelda's eyes widened.

"Link, I don't know about this, you haven't exactly had the best record with pranks lately…"

Ike chuckled.

Marth glanced worriedly to the princess.

"Zelda, what is he holding?"

"I-It's the clawshot…"

Pit dove down beside Link, pressing downward on his arm, lowering his aim away from the small knight.

"Link are you crazy?! He'll kill us!"

"No he won't. We have Samus and Ike this time."

"I don't know… that guy can pull some weird tricks… things that my visor can't even figure out." Samus didn't sound worried, only reasonable.

Ike shrugged.

"Lil' sucker's too fast for me."

Marth cracked a dry chuckle at Ike's bluntness.

"Come on, guys…" Link whined, "There's nine of us and only one of him. Don't you want to see what his face looks like? We'll give his mask right back."

Marth shook his head.

"Careful, Link. I've fought him before. I could barely see him he moved so quickly."

"Stop worrying! We'll be fine."

Everyone gave up and shrouded themselves in the hedge.

Link raised the clawshot once again.

"Just like the helmasaurs back home…"

Squeezing the trigger concealed within, the claw burst off, the worn, clattering chain trailing behind it.

—

**You know what? Let's go with Meta Knight's POV.**

"Honestly, it's not my idea of a good time."

Why won't this girl leave me in peace? I have no desire to go to this accursed pool gathering! Somehow she chooses not to see that.

"But please! You'll have so much fun!"

"Nana, how many times-"

I hear a soft click, a good ways to the left of me. My eyes dart towards the sound of displaced air. Something was shot at me.

The three-fingered grip of Link's clawshot comes into view. I grinned. Such a clunky thing bewilders me as to how it functions as a weapon. I grab it mid-flight, mere inches from my beloved mask. Giving the weathered chain a sharp yank, the Hero of Failed Pranks it pulled out of the bushes. His look of panic is priceless.

I was probably the only one who heard him swear.

"Fuck."

Scraping one of the claws of his grappling hook with Galaxia, I spoke in a casual tone.

"Interesting trick, Hero of Time."

I pointed my sword towards him.

"Would you like to see one of mine?"

Without giving him a chance to answer, my cape burst into wings, whirling me towards him like a hurricane as I initiated a Mach Tornado. He scrambled to his feet and bolted away; I gave chase. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Pit, Samus, Ike, Peach, Marth, Red, Pikachu, and Zelda laughing their hearts out. Excellent, I had an audience.

I was gaining on him. Soon he would be caught in my vortex. My blood boiled, ready to deal the beating of a lifetime. However, mere milliseconds before I could make contact, someone snatched me out of my cyclone, dangling me above the ground by my right wing.

That made no sense. No human was fast enough to-

Oh.

—

**Aaaaaaannnddd back to third person.**

"Alright, alright, that's enough out of you."

None other than Sonic the Hedgehog stood above the small knight, his gloved fingers impatiently gripping the twitching bat wing. A ducky inner tube was wrapped around his lean waist.

"Imbecile! Release me this instant!" Meta Knight swung his sword furiously at his spiked captivator, but to no avail. Not even the fastest swordsman alive could land a hit on the blue blur.

However, Sonic wasn't expecting to have Meta Knight go so low as to poke a hole in his duck floatie. The deflated bird crumpled to the ground.

Sonic glared at the knight.

"Not cool."

With a spectacular windup, the hedgehog rolled the little warrior like a bowling ball into a nearby tree.

Meta Knight recovered quickly, and with a whirl of his cape, he was gone.

Sonic walked up to Link.

"You alright? Most people have sense enough not to mess with a guy with a sword."

Flashes of an angry Ike echoed in the Hylian's mind.

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Sonic, you're actually coming?" Peach asked, "I thought you hated water."

"I do. That's why I had this." He picked up the tattered remains of his inner tube.

"Why is it a duck?" Ike asked dryly.

"Gotta respect the classics. Also it was all Master Hand had."

Pit perked up.

"Uh, you haven't seen Master Hand lately, have you?"

"Yeah, just a second ago. He said he was going to go clean the kitchen halls."

Everyone gulped.

"Oh no…"

Master Hand's booming voice could be heard across the entire complex.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE FOOD?!"

The teens made themselves scarce.

**Marth: Why don't I get a girlfriend?!**

** Because you're already married to Sheeda.**

** Marth: Oh.**

** Zelda: *points at Link* You, sir, need to stop pulling retarded pranks on people. You're going to get yourself killed.**

** Link: NEVER! *Grabs bucket of whoopee cushions and runs out the door* BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU SIT!**

** Is it just me, or are these chapters getting progressively shorter? (And progressively worse)**

** …**

** …**

** Nah, it's just me.**

** Go ahead and celebrate, folks, for in the next chapter…**

** …DUN…DUN…DUN…**

** I FINALLY GET MY SHIT TOGETHER AND START THE POOL PARTY!**

** And it only took me five chapters. *facepalm***

** So… the question remains… do I do Kirby x Jigglypuff or Metapuff?**

** Wait… Metapuff?**

** BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

** Oh, by the way…**

** VIEWERS! Y U NO VOTE ON MY POLL?! IT'S BEEN UP THERE FOR LIKE A WEEK AND I GOT ONE VOTE ONE FREAKIN VOTE WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE**

** Nah, just kidding. But seriously, based on the turnout I probably won't continue the monthly poll… dunno… we'll see.**

** Bang Rowdyruff, I hope I fulfilled your request.**

** P.S. Just realized that my username should have been Brawlin-and-Lollin2233. But, eh, whatcha gonna do?**

** Congratulations! You put up with my ranting long enough to make it to the bottom of the chapter! Now go pat yourself on the back and make yourself some cookies!**

** Please fav and review! Thanks!**

** -Mohawkman2233**


	6. The Author Gets His Shit Together

**One thing before we start, folks. I love hearing all of your wonderful ideas for the story, but if it's at all possible, Private Message them to me instead of leaving them in the reviews. That'll prevent any spoilers from leaking out. (Unless you're a visitor, then you won't be able to... eh, visitors can put their ideas in the reviews if they really want to.)**

**And send me AS MANY AS YOU LIKE! So far the ones I've gotten are hilarious! **

**On with the story! I promise that this one won't be as short as the last!**

**WARNING: Later in this chapter you learn things that you'll probably wish that you wouldn't have. Snooping around in the minds of Smashers can be a disturbing business.**

**Now ignore this warning and read it anyway.**

It didn't matter that the teens had sprinted; Sonic beat every one of them to the pool by simply doing a light jog.

Nearly every other Smasher was already there. Nana must've got the word out quick. Among the mass of people there you could see Ness and Lucas trying to invent PK Water (splashing each other), Bowser tucked into his shell and drifting in the deep end like some king of grotesque pool toy, Mario and Luigi seeing if they could get fireballs to work underwater, a group of blue Pikmin commandeering Snake's box for a pirate ship, Snake persistently trying to capsize them, Kirby and Jigglypuff whispering things to each other, Falco complaining to Fox how his blaster shorted out, and Lucario simply chilling in a lounge chair while Squirtle tugged impatiently on the jackal's feet.

The first thing Link decided to do was start a cannonball contest. Pushing between Pit and Marth, the blonde flung himself out over the water in a curled position. He landed just shy of Yoshi, soaking the poor dinosaur.

He surfaced on his back, arms crossed behind his head, a cheesy smirk curling his lips.

Marth folded his arms and frowned.

"That's it?"

Link's grin cemented into a scowl.

"Oh, you think you could do better, Miss Priss?"

Marth simply backed up, and with a running start, easily made a wake that dwarfed Link's.

He surfaced and shook the water out of his long, blue hair.

"Yeah."

He looked to Pit expectantly.

"Well?"

The angel raised his hands defensively.

"Oh, no. My wings don't work so well when they get wet. I'm perfectly content with taking the pool stairs."

Link groaned.

"C'mon, Pit, don't be such a girl."

"No, no, I'm good."

He turned to walk away, only to meet Ike mere inches from his face. With one swift motion and a huge laugh, the mercenary had lifted Pit up off the ground, over his head. Marth and Link cheered.

"AH! IKE! NO! PUT ME DOWN!"

Disregarding the angel's pleas, the massive swordsman hurled Pit out over the water, waiting eagerly for a huge splash.

What he had forgotten, however, was the angel's key to survival.

With simply a few soft flutters of his wings, Pit was airborne, looking haughtily down on the hapless fools who failed to remember that he could fly. He hovered in the air a good ten feet above the water, laughing at the three angered expressions below.

"That's not fair!" Link shouted.

Marth smiled as a plan formed in his head.

He raised his arms sarcastically.

"Just let him be. It's not like those scrawny chicken bones could make a splash anyway." He looked to Ike with a devious grin, and he instantly caught on.

The mercenary shrugged.

"Yeah, I mean, there's no way he could beat… **THIS!"**

Leaping off the cement, Ike created a wave so powerful that it knocked water out of the pool, soaked everyone in it, and came close to drenching Pit's perch in the sky. He fluttered a few feet higher, astonished by the shockwave.

The mercenary surfaced to angry, water-logged faces.

Link looked to the brunette.

"Seriously, Pit, can you even make a splash?"

Pit was starting to grow angry. He knew that was exactly what they wanted, but he couldn't help it. Between Link's jaunty expressions and Marth's dreadfully sarcastic tone, he was starting to lose it.

The prince began to swim away.

"Oh well. He's not coming down. Come on guys, we'll-"

"NOW HOLD UP JUST A DAMN SECOND."

All three turned to the angel with excitement in their eyes. Or maybe that was shock. Nobody had ever heard him swear before. Rippling the water with powerful beats of his wings, the infuriated angel rose higher and higher into the sky. He nearly went out of view, now nothing more than a winged speck in the sky. Surprising everyone, he dove straight down, arms tucked and streamlined beside his torso. His speed was blinding. Just before he made contact with the water, he swung his legs up to his chest, wrapping his limbs around them as his wings trailed behind.

_**BWOOSH!**_

Several of the smaller Smashers were flung from the pool as Pit entered; the massive wave resulting swamping people like a tsunami. Rain pattered on the cement for a few moments, drenching everyone who was lucky enough to escape Ike's cannonball. When he surfaced, the water level had decreased considerably, and Snake's box was now in a tree. The angel smiled at Link, who was coughing up H2O.

"Who can't do what now?"

Marth and Ike spluttered in unison.

"Ten!"

—

Lucario stood up and shook the water off. Figures he'd have the unfortunate luck of getting soaked when he simply wanted to relax. Lying back down again, he shut his eyes, allowing his mind to roam freely around the circulating thoughts emanating from every Smasher. Normally he would abstain from such privacy violation, but today had been particularly stressful, he could use a laugh or two. The first mind he made contact with was Zelda's….

_Oh Nayru I hope getting wet doesn't make this swimsuit see-through because I haven't shaved in a while_

Lucario's eyes shot open as he shut down the mental link immediately. Shivering, he struggled to close his irises again and look for a less unsettling mind to peer in to. He caught hold of Snake's…

_I wonder what these Pikmin taste like? Maybe they come in different flavors for each color… does Olimar secretly eat them when he's alone? I should stake that out and see if I could join him_

This time the jackal sat up. He looked at Snake with a horrified expression. The soldier merely glanced to him and waved, a blue Pikmin dangling on his thumb.

Perhaps the mind of a soldier wasn't the best choice for something comforting. Hurriedly he searched into Peach's mind, praying for a tea party or a cute memory or SOMETHING that wasn't utterly disgusting.

No such luck for the poor snoop.

No verbal thoughts were present, but instead an image was portrayed.

An image of her and Ike doing UNSPEAKABLE things.

Condemning her mind, he rushed into the thoughts of Lucas. Surely the innocence of a child would be of some comfort to him….

NOPE!

_I wonder if this grappling snake-_

Lucario closed the connection before the boy could even finish.

As a last resort, he linked up with the mind of Pit. An angel would never have unclean thoughts… right?

WRONG.

Again, no verbal thoughts could be found, only a short mental film.

A mental film of Samus tied to a bed and begging him to take her.

Screaming on the inside, the aura user's mind fled to Samus, who had shed her cover-up and was now unwinding in the Jacuzzi with Peach and Zelda. At least her thoughts would be violent, not containing a terrifying sex scene.

All he could find was the exact same fantasy Pit was having, only with the roles swapped.

He stood and ran. Ran as fast as his legs could take him. Probably ran faster than Sonic the Hedgehog himself. He ran until he was in the back corner of the Grand Hall, rocking himself back and forth in a fetal position as he shivered in fear. He closed his mind off completely, swearing never to unjustly peer into another's brain ever again.

However, just before he could, a single person's thoughts appeared in his detectable range. At first he thought about instantly dismissing it, pretending like it was never there. But slowly, ever so slowly, his curiosity prevailed over his horror, persuading him to dig into this new consciousness.

Surprisingly, the mind belonged to Wario. Unsurprisingly, the thoughts that Lucario found made him want to rethink his decision to exist.

—

Sonic kicked the water off his sneakers and stretched out in Lucario's abandoned pool chair. Flicking down his sunglasses, he took a bite out of a chilidog that he got at the snack bar and heaved a deep sigh.

_Shadow should be here… he could use a chance to relax…_

Suddenly his view became dark. Lifting up his shades, he could see the massive form of Crazy Hand hovering over him, blocking out the sun. He lowered his eyebrows.

"Um… can I help you?"

"Why aren't you in the pool?"

Sonic cocked his head.

"What?"

"Why aren't you in the pool?"

"…because…I don't want to?"

The hand came closer.

"WHY don't you want to?"

Sonic grew worried.

"I… can't swim… remember?"

Crazy Hand's huge fingers grabbed Sonic by the arm and flung him out over the water.

"SWIM BITCH!"

The hedgehog landed face first, making a loud SMACK that drew the attention of the surrounding Smashers. He surfaced seconds later, arms flailing and gasping for breath.

Crazy Hand pointed a finger at Pit.

"YOU! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SANTATIZED ME!"

The angel began to stammer.

"W-w-wha-?!"

The glove curled into a fist and screamed.

"FALCON PUNCH!"

Lunging full force at the archer, the huge, white knuckles slammed into Pit's torso, sending him spiraling far out of the pool-

-and quite perfectly into Samus's lap.

Crazy Hand began to fly around the area like a maniac, "Falcon Punching" people and flinging water everywhere. The gathered Smashers spun into a frenzied chaos, each trying to dodge the massive extremity as they scrambled over top one another.

Pit slowly came to his senses, his eyes eventually focusing on Samus's blushing face above him. Bewildered he reached down to the ground to help prop himself up, but instead he accidentally placed his hand on the innermost parts of her bare thigh and pushed. HARD.

The resulting action hit Samus where it count, and she released a loud moan as Pit lifted himself up. Now EXTREMELY confused, Pit glanced downward, discovering just what exactly his hands were pushing against.

Blood rushed to his face so quickly it was a wonder that his head didn't explode.

Peach and Zelda realized as well; eyes and mouths widening beyond belief. Hurriedly Pit scrambled to apologize as his hands flew off her.

"I-I…"

Her voice was trembling.

"Boy… you just can't keep your hands off me today, can you?"

With his very life flashing before his eyes, Sonic flailed and thrashed in the water like an angry Gyarados. His eyes darted around the pool at near invisible speed, desperate to discover some way to help himself out of this fine mess. Angelic choruses sung and heavenly light shone down when he finally spotted a large, black inner tube drifting in his direction. Using the last of his strength, he spun his feet through the water, slowly, painstakingly making his way toward his only hope for survival. He threw a hand out to grab it…

…only to have a very cheeky Crazy Hand hop onto it.

If that glove had a face, he would have been trolling.

"U mad, Sonic?"

With all of his strength expended, it was all the hedgehog could do to slowly mutter a curse and allow himself to sink deeper into the watery abyss below…

…until Ike waded over and pulled Sonic out of the three feet of water he was drowning in.

Master Hand burst through the pool gates.

"BROTHER! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"

All eyes (except for the ones of the people who were unconscious after being "Falcon Punched") turned to the glove.

It was really quite a hilarious sight seeing one hand drag another out of a pool. It looked somewhat similar to thumb wrestling.

"B-B-But…"

"…not today of all days… WHY DID I GET A REPORT SAYING THAT YOU WERE FLYING AROUND PUNCHING PEOPLE INTO OTHER PEOPLE'S LAPS?!"

Pit blushed and Samus whistled innocently.

"WHY IS LUCARIO CURLED UP IN THE GRAND HALL MUTTERING SOMETHING ABOUT 'FILTHY PERVERTS'?!"

Everyone raised an eyebrow at that.

"AND WHY IS ALL OF THE FOOD GONE?!"

Our original crew scratched the backs of their necks nervously.

"I swear, the things that happen around here…" Master Hand's voice trailed off as he dragged his brother away.

Said brother waved a finger goodbye.

"Thanks, folks! I'll be here all week!"

Several groaned at the fact that he would.

**Lucario: **_**So… many… perverts…**_

**THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR POKING YOUR NOSE WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG! Telepathy is a dangerous power, folks. Believe me, I know.**

***the author suddenly runs over and hugs Link***

**Link: Ahh! No! I'm not gay!**

**No you idiot! I'm sad cuz our adventure's over!**

**Zelda: …you finished Skyward Sword… didn't you?**

***Makes Kuzco's face from The Emperor's New Groove* YYEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHES…**

**Oh well. *picks up SS case* OFF TO THE SHELF WITH YOU!**

**You know, originally I was going to call this chapter Snoop Dog Lucario, but I figured that it was only about half of the plot. So I instead chose to swear because I honestly did get my *ahem* **_**poop,**_** together. But seriously, I can't be the only one who thinks that people's thoughts get about 90% more perverted when they're at the pool. Maybe perverted enough to get this story up to an R rating…**

**And so the question remains… WHAT WAS LUCAS THINKING ABOUT?!**

**…**

**…**

**…probably something that will haunt me for the rest of my life because I have a pretty good idea what it is….**

**ANYWAY! Sorry this came a little late, I had a nasty sunburn on my shoulders and arms and found it quite painful to even type.**

**…and apparently whining like a spoiled child that nobody voted on my poll was enough to draw in some votes. Now I feel like a huge jerk. I'm sorry, readers.**

**…**

**…**

**…but I will be continuing the monthly poll now…**

**The next poll will be more relatable, trust me. **

**I actually do have a new poll up now, but it isn't the monthly one. It won't be up there for very long, either, so hurry up and vote!**

**The ideas for Pit and Samus in the hot tub and Crazy Hand's bit were courtesy of Megaranger66, and I plan to use his requests in the near future. **

**As for Theonewhodidnotdoit, thank Megaranger66 for the Pit/Samus fluff in this chapter, not me.**

**Oh, and the trolling bit's an internet meme, in case you didn't know.**

***Hugs Link again***

**Don't worry, Link… we'll always have boss rush mode…**

**Link: Get off of me.**

**Samus: *Looks to Pit* So… we both had the same sexual fantasy about each other…**

**Pit: Yup.**

**Samus: …**

**Pit: …**

**Samus: …wanna make it a reality?**

**Pit: *holds up rope* Yup.**

**Oh you crazy kids…**

**Please fav and review! Thanks!**

**-Mohawkman2233**


	7. Uses for a Holy Sword

** *author slowly sneaks in the front door***

** Maybe they didn't notice that I left-**

** Link: THERE HE IS!**

** Shit.**

** *all smashers beat up the author***

** Gah! Why are you doing this?!**

** Ike: Because you left us for dead just so you could go to that fancy-schmancy boarding school!**

** Zelda: Not to mention that your recent stories are sucking pretty hard!**

** *crying* I'M SORRY! I WAS JUST SO BUSY…**

** Captain Falcon: Yeah right! You weren't too busy to write that other fanfic about Pit and Samus! What the hell happened there?**

** *everyone stops***

** Um… where are Pit and Samus?**

** *Smashers look around***

** *author discovers trail of loose feathers and torn clothes leading into Samus's room***

** Hey guys…?**

** Marth: …let's leave it at that.**

** Everyone: Agreed.**

Marth was hunched over the grill when Crazy Hand was dragged away. The prince was fiddling with every gear, knob, and switch he could get his hands on. Ike walked over as soon as he let Sonic to his feet.

"What's wrong there, princess? Don't wanna get your hands dirty?" He laughed.

Marth glared up at him.

"No, Ike, it's not that. Thanks to Pit's atomic bomb of a cannonball, the grill's soaked. I can't get it to light." He reached for the gas nozzle, on to have his hand held back by the mercenary above him.

"Step aside. I got this."

Marth stood and spoke sarcastically.

"Good luck."

Ike simply shrugged and pulled out Ragnell. Lighting the sword, he wedged it down between the bars of the grill, intensifying the flames every few seconds. The effect looked similar to the move Eruption.

Within seconds, the grill was lit and sizzling.

Marth scowled with disgust.

"Really? Not the most **dignified** role for a holy sword."

Ike smirked.

"Well, I guess you wouldn't be a prince if you didn't hold everything sacred."

"Who says I hold everything sacred?" Marth speared about three hamburgers on Falchion and laid them out over the flames. "I just didn't want my blade looking like **that**."

He gestured toward Ragnell, now midnight black with soot.

Ike's grin faded.

"Oh."

Marth laughed.

—

"Easy out!"

Ness, Lucas, Kirby, Toon Link, Squirtle, Jigglypuff, and Yoshi were playing the water-adapted version of baseball with Ness's baseball bat and a mysteriously "borrowed" tennis ball. Jigglypuff had just stepped up to home plate (the shallow end) and was having a particularly hard time gripping the wooden handle with her stubby arms. Toon Link was laughing.

"Ness, honestly," the smaller Hero of Time jeered, "just let her walk."

"Oh, come on, I wanna pitch!" He shouted back.

Adding a bit of flair with a quite unnecessary windup, Ness hurled the ball at the blinding speed of about five miles an hour. Determined and furious, Jigglypuff swung with all her might, connecting a solid hit on the ball and proving it with an echoing _**THWACK!**_

The tennis ball soared.

Unfortunately, right at Zelda.

Lifting her head, the princess barely caught a glimpse of the bright green sphere. Squealing, she lifted an arm to protect her eyes.

But it never made contact.

Opening one eyelid, Zelda watched as the ball was sliced clean in half by Link, who had raised the Master Sword just in time. The two halves bounced to the ground while the kids watched in shock.

It took a few seconds for them to process just how awesome that actually looked. And when they had, they swamped Link.

"OH MY GOSH LINK HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!"

"POYO! POYO POYO POYO!"

"DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!"

"MY TENNIS BALL!"

"YOSHI! YOSHI!"

Just before Link ran for his life, Zelda grabbed hold of his shoulder.

"Thanks, handsome." With that she lightly smooched him on the cheek, causing him to blush a shade.

That cleared the kids out like spray repellant.

—

"Pull!"

A soda can was thrown into the air, easily nailed dead center by an Arrow of Light.

Pit, now bored of the pool, was doing what he referred to as "recycling." What that meant was that he was using Snake's empty soda cans for target practice. After he had cleaned one out, the soldier would give it a sharp toss into the air, whereas Pit would split it in half with an arrow.

Even this was getting kind of boring. There was no appeal to hitting something as lively as an aluminum can; Pit required something more. Scanning the sky, Pit spotted a hawk, gliding overhead without a care in the world. Interested, the angel pulled back an arrow, squinting into the sun.

"What are you aiming at? I didn't throw anything." Snake's hoarse voice startled the teen. Quickly he discharged the arrow, lowering his bow.

"Um… nothing. I'm good for the day, alright?"

Snake, unconvinced, gave a quick glance upward, spotting the bird above.

"You were aiming for the bird? That's pretty cruel."

Pit jumped.

"W-what?! N-no!"

Snake clapped his hands.

"I like it!"

Pit's face read: _Dafuq?_

"Who would have thought that the sweet, innocent little angel would use a living creature for target practice! Where were you aiming on it?"

"What the hell, Snake?!"

"Well? Are you going to shoot it or not?"

"SNAKE!"

In a second, the soldier had stood and shuffled up beside the angel.

"If you want the shot, you better take it. It's about to go over the trees."

"SNAKE?!"

"Come on! Just shoot already!"

A worried scowl scrawled across Pit's features. Still a bit hesitant, he stretched his bow to the sky, pulling back a pulsing arrow.

"I'll only graze the wing."

Out of nowhere, a water balloon collided with Pit's torso, causing him to shake and disturbing his aim. The arrow was released prematurely, startling the surrounding Smashers with a loud _**TWANG!**_ The blast streaked into the sky, glaring and blazing in the brilliant sun…

…until it speared the unsuspecting bird square in the chest.

Mouths fell into agape as the hawk fell from the sky, with loose, blood-stained feathers fluttering behind it.

No one moved for a few seconds.

Slowly, Pit turned his head to the onlookers behind him.

Nana raised a finger, eyes hallowed and huge.

"B-bird killer! BIRD KILLER! HE'S A BIRD KILLER!"

Horrified, Pit looked to Snake, who was casually chilling in his lounge chair as if nothing happened at all.

Zelda began to speak.

"P-Pit… why would you…"

Peach wailed, cutting her off.

"Oh, Sweet Lady of the Stars! The inhumanity!"

Link and Samus merely shrugged and turned their gazes. It wasn't like they didn't do that every day.

Pit's voice was tiny and quivering.

"I-I… I didn't…"

"MONSTER!" Meta Knight appeared literally out of _nowhere._ "You shoot live animals for mere target practice?! Have you no honor?!"

"B-but-"

He pointed his sword to the trees.

"Stop babbling, you idiot! Go and see if the wound is lethal!"

The angel, still confused, failed to move a muscle.

Meta Knight growled.

"Must I tell you again? GO!"

Snapping back to reality, the angel scrambled to his feet and bolted into the forest. Samus, Link, Ike, Marth, Peach, and Zelda weren't far behind.

King Dedede looked suspiciously to Wario.

"What's that in your hand, friend?"

All eyes looked to the treasure hunter, who was clasping a water balloon in his trembling, sweaty palm.

He suddenly noticed it.

"WAH!"

—

"Ooh… this is bad, guys…"

It didn't take long for the Smashers to find the fallen bird. Pit had knelt down next to it, one hand on the hawk's wound, the others huddled around him. It was eerily quiet.

Pit took a long, hard look at the gash in the feathered flesh. Tracing the edges, he studied it like a professional.

"I think I can save it."

He glanced up.

"Link, have any Heart Potion on you?"

The hero furrowed his brow.

"What for? Pit… the bird's dead. No Heart Potion's going to-"

"Do you have any on you?"

Link sighed.

"Yeah, sure." He handed a crimson-filled bottle to the angel. "But what are you even going to do with it?"

Pit took out his bow and split it into two. He raised one half of the Goddess's Weapon under the Heart Potion.

"Palutena showed me an interesting trick…"

Uncorking the bottle, Pit allowed the scarlet elixir to trickle down onto his dagger. As it coated the knife like freshly shed blood, the pure gold underneath began to give off a radiant, otherworldly glow. With each drop, the luminance grew brighter. The potion never dripped off the bow half either, but merely coated the beaming blade like a rose-colored shield. After releasing the final few drops, the liquid was absorbed into the sword, as if a chamber inside had been opened. Pit set the bottle down and poised himself over the bird. Delicately he touched the edge of the wound with the bow's tip, sending out a brief, blinding flash of golden light. All covered their eyes.

When their eyes opened again, the hawk was alive and well, curiously shifting its gaze to each person there. Pit sat up and sighed.

"There. All fixed up."

No one said a word. Pit glanced around with a silly grin on his face.

"What? I'm an angel! You didn't think I could get things back from the dead?"

Zelda was the only one who could speak.

"Pit? How did you-?"

He shrugged.

"Nothing a little science couldn't deduce. You see, the chemicals brewed in a Heart Potion have been known to correspond and cooperate with the heavenly energy in my bow. Palutena suspects the fact that they both transmute some type of power into a regenerative force, but most believe-"

"Ugh…" Ike held his head. "…this is hurting my brain."

Pit fell silent.

"Um… sorry."

"So you have the power to heal deadly wounds?" Samus was IMMEDIATELY up in his face. "Tell me more!"

The angel smiled brightly.

"Sure! Now, most fatal injuries usually consist of a crucial organ or bodily instrument that has been severed, tampered with, or entirely destroyed. What this power does is search the entire system for a complication of that sort…" His voice trailed off as Samus fangirled over him. The rest simply shook their heads and walked away.

—

Master Hand plopped Crazy Hand down in his office. He was using the special, intimidating chair that he had to bring out whenever one of the Smashers had to be interrogated. Basically it was a chair that was about three inches off the ground. It was specifically created to make people feel small in Master Hand's presence. Not like the fact of being a giant, floating hand was enough to scare the living shit out of people anyway.

His voice shook the walls as he spoke.

"Brother, do you have no self-control? Why on Earth would throw Sonic into the pool when you know full well that he can't swim?!"

The other glove shuffled and spun in his microscopic chair.

"I didn't know dat he couldn't swim. He never said nuthin' 'bout it."

"Crazy…"

"NO WAIT! YEAH HE DID! HE SAID IT RIGHT BEFORE I… I… UHH…"

"_…threw him in…?"_

"YEAH! RIGHT BEFORE THAT! RIGHT BEFORE HE WENT SPLASH! DID YOU KNOW THAT HE CAN'T SWIM?!"

_"Yes, Crazy, I'm well aware-"_

"CUZ HE NEVER SAID NUTHIN' 'BOUT IT, Y'KNOW! I BET NOBODS KNEW 'CEPT ME!"

_"Crazy, everyone-"_

"YEAH! I BET NOBODS KNEW! I'M PROBS THE SMARTEST GUY HERE!"

_"Then why did you still-"_

"SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"

_"Crazy, please… just-"_

"IS IT COLD IN HERE TO YOU?! I THINK WAFFLES MAKE EXCELLENT PANCAKES! LIGHTBULBS REMIND ME OF JELLYFISH! CAN YOU GET SUPERPOWERS BY GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING? DO YOU HAVE A LIGHTING ROD I CAN BORROW? HOW DO DOGS READ THE NEWSPAPER? WHY DO-?"

"SWEET MOTHER TERESA, CRAZY CALM DOWN!"

The hand squeezed back into his seat.

Master Hand sighed exasperatedly.

"Now, Crazy…"

"YOU'LL NEVER KNOW MY SECRET!"

Both fell silent.

"What?"

"OOPS! I WASN'T S'POSED TO SPILL! JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING!"

"Crazy…what secret?"

"WHAT? I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING?"

Too late. Master was interested.

"What secret?"

"NOPE! NOPE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"Crazy, please, what secret?"

"LA LA LA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Crazy, I'm your brother. I won't say anything if you don't want me to."

The insane glove relaxed a bit. A big step for Crazy Hand.

"You promise you won't tell nobody?"

Master placed his thumb over his palm, as if he were placing a hand over his heart.

"I promise."

The hand shuffled in his tiny seat.

"Okay. But you can't tell NOBODY. I wanted to throw a big dance like they do in all those high school movies… and like have music and stuff… with food…"

"Hmm? A dance?"

"…yeah. And we could have cake there…"

"That's an excellent idea!"

"W-what?"

"I've got to tell the Smashers!" With that, Master Hand shot up out of his chair and soared out of the room.

"NO WAIT!" Crazy squirmed out of his seat and tailed him closely. "YOU PROMISED!"

—

Pit, Samus, Link, Zelda, Ike, Peach, and Marth stepped into front doors of the dormitory building, most of them sopping wet and all with leaves and grass plastered on their feet. Marth was shaking water out of his hair like a dog when the intercom buzzed on:

_**Attention, Smashers. This is a notification of an event that Crazy Hand and I will be hosting-**_

A loud **BAM **resonated from the wall speakers as Master Hand's voice cut out.

Crazy Hand screamed into the mic.

_**Please resume with your lives! Master Hand has got ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO TELL YOU PEOPLE! So don't go poking your noses in other people's-**_

Another loud **BAM.**

_**Ahem, as I was saying, we will be hosting a dance in the Grand Hall this coming Friday, beginning at eight and continuing through the night. Formal wear is not required, but is highly-**_

**BAM!**

_**NOT NEEDED AT ALL BECAUSE THERE ISN'T A DANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE! SERIOUSLY! NOBODY BELIEVE THIS DRIED-UP OLD BAG OF LIES! HE'S ONLY-**_

**BAM!**

_**…Telling everyone to submit any particular songs that they would like to hear! Volunteer DJs will also be accepted, as long as no one tampers with-**_

**BAM!**

_**IT'S A TRAP! I MEAN, EVEN IF THERE WAS A DANCE, IT WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY CAKE! AND I FOR ONE THINK-**_

**BAM!**

_**That more than just cake shall be served! Submit any refreshment requests along with songs! We live to serve!**_

**BAM!**

_**Ow! Crazy, stop hitting me!**_

_** YOU STOP BEING A BACKSTABBING MOTHERFUCKER WHO CAN'T KEEP HIS INVISIBLE MOUTH SHUT!**_

_** Crazy! Don't use such language on the intercom! There are children in the building!**_

_** I'LL USE WHATEVER LANGUAGE I DAMN WELL PLEASE! AND THERE'S NO DANCE! SO FORGET ABOUT IT!**_

_** Please, brother, not so-**_

The intercom shut off. Everyone looked at each other confusedly.

Marth was the only one to speak.

"Um…"

—

**Alright! So who enjoyed the chapter before this?**

** Lucario: NOT ME!**

** Well that's your own fault.**

** Lucario: …**

** You know, I've noticed that I have a select handful of about six or seven readers who leave consistent reviews, always keep up with my stories, and have faved just about everything I've written. I'm not going to say who they are, cuz I know I'll miss somebody and hurt their feelings. Just wanted to throw out a heartfelt thank you to all you guys who keep me writing. Oh, and I asked Kirby to make you guys n' gals some cookies. Kirby?**

** Kirby: …**

** Um… why do you have crumbs on your face?**

** Kirby: IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE DEVIL TEMPTED ME**

** …wut.**

** *Pit and Samus walk in* *Pit has bite marks all over his neck* *Samus's suit is ripped* *both are extremely sweaty***

** Link: …um… What were you two just doing?**

** Pit: …**

** Samus: …sparring.**

** Lucario: I KNOW WHAT YOU FILTHY PERVERTS ARE THINKING AND YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HELL**

** Whoa man… chill.**

** The idea for Crazy Hand's bit (and the upcoming dance) was courtesy of RedheadRenegade, who has been begging for me to update recently. (But that's good. It means I have fans. Woo!)**

** I've noticed that I've kinda been skimping on the Link/Zelda and Ike/Peach fluff lately. I hope I made up for it a little in this chapter… even though I can't think of a single other person who likes the Ike/Peach pairing other than me except Shadow Star . EXE(who is the authoress of some of the best Pit/Zelda fanfics that I have ever read)**

** But, anyway, if you haven't already (and I know you're probably getting sick of me saying this) check out the new monthly poll! I like this one, so hopefully you will too.**

** That's all I have to say. Toodles!**

** -Mohawkman2233**

** There, I updated. Can you untie me now?**

** Fox: No.**


	8. The Hero of Seduction

** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIII IIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHT! Who's ready for some fluff?!**

** Marth: I think he's finally lost it.**

** Ike: Who cares! I finally get sum fluff with mah gurl! *crushes Peach in a hug***

** DAMMIT IKE STOP KILLING PEOPLE WITH LOVE**

** Ike: Sorry…**

** Peach: *cough cough***

** Pit: *whispers to Samus* **_**Sorry about the headboard…**_

**Samus: *whispers to Pit* **_**It's alright, I was actually pretty impressed-**_

***Lucario socks Samus in the face***

** Lucario: WHORE! Cease corrupting the angel with your bewitchingly sexual voice!**

** Pit: SAMMY! NOES!**

** Everyone else: 0_0**

Peach knocked on the Fire Emblem door.

"Coming!"

It was later that same day, about an hour or so after everyone had come inside. Marth and Ike had retreated to their room to shower and change. The prince wrapped a towel around his waist and jogged for the door.

He opened it to meet the Mushroom Princess's bright, cheery face.

"Yes? What's up, Peach?"

It took a minute for the princess to respond. Marth had just gotten out of the shower; toned, lean muscles bulging out of his bare chest. His form, sopping wet, glistened under the dim hallway lighting, pulsing gently with every steady breath he took. His long, streamlined head of bright blue hair was matted down over his eyes, easily capable of driving fangirls wild with a mere glance. Peach began to lose herself.

"Hey…Peach? You alright?"

Suddenly she snapped to attention, the faint blush hidden in her cheeks swiftly dissipating.

"O-oh! Yes… Master Hand wanted me to distribute these to everyone."

She handed him a flyer. Marth raised an eyebrow and took hold of it, his hand making contact with Peach's for a split second. The soft touch of his skin made the princess subconsciously gasp, drawing his attention.

He looked up from the paper with his piercing cobalt eyes, flashing in sync with the sheen of his hair.

"Something wrong?"

"N-NO! Er-no… nothing's wrong…"

The prince shrugged and brought his gaze back to the paper. It was one of Master Hand's personal notification letters, something he only distributed to the Smashers when there was something too important to be posted out on the regular bulletin board. It read:

_Attention:_

_ There will be a Smash Manor Summer Ball to be held in the Grand Hall. This event will begin at precisely eight and continue through the night, on the day of June 14. Dates are encouraged, as well as formal wear. While you may commune this knowledge among yourselves, refrain from enlightening Crazy Hand. It will be to his surprise._

_ If you have any song or refreshment requests, please notify me as soon as possible._

_ Warm Regards:_

_ Master Hand_

Marth thought back to the intercom fight some time before. This was probably Master Hand's way of getting the word out without getting himself killed. The swordsman folded the paper in half and glanced up.

Peach was still there, a hot blush tinting her cheeks a light rose color.

"Um…you can leave now…"

"OH! Yes! Right away! S-sorry to bother you!"

With that she dashed away, head filled with dreadfully perfect thoughts.

Marth shrugged and shut the door.

_A dance, huh? Sounds interesting. Not like I have anyone to go with…_

—

"So who are you guys taking?"

It was another hour later, in the cafeteria. Our usual four, Pit, Link, Marth, and Ike had sat down to dinner when Marth brought the event up. Ike stabbed a piece of chicken with his fork and wolfed it down without a second thought.

"I think it's pretty obvious who we're taking, dude…"

The mercenary looked to Pit.

"ESPECIALLY for you."

The angel jumped.

"W-what?"

"Oh, come on. Everyone's in on it. Just ask her out already."

"T-there's absolutely nothing between me and Samus! We're just really good friends!"

"…I never said anything about Samus…" Ike spoke with a victorious little sneer.

The angel shuffled around nervously in his seat.

Link spoke up.

"The question really is HOW we're going to ask them. I pretty much do the same thing every time whenever I ask Zelda if she wants to do something."

He took a bite out of his sandwich.

"Kiss her hand, drop the question, give her puppy eyes. Never seems to fail. Well, not yet, anyway."

He swallowed.

"But not this time. This time, I'm taking things up a notch."

Ike raised his eyebrows.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I did a little digging, and I found out that she secretly loves it when guys get ridiculously intimate with her. She can't stand it."

Marth's look of shock was priceless.

"…first off… what do you mean by… digging?"

Link grinned.

Pit sighed.

"You got Snake to look at her diary again, didn't you?"

"Hey! It wasn't like he had anything better to do!"

The angel shook his head.

"Isn't that kinda creepy? I mean, Zelda's only seventeen, and Snake's like…"

"Thirty?"

"Somewhere around there."

Marth spoke again.

"And just what, exactly, do you plan to do with that information, now that you have it?"

Link's grin grew even wider.

"Oh… you'll see…"

Ike turned to Pit.

"Now, back to YOU."

The archer shrunk a little in his seat.

"Yeah, I might like Samus, but so what? I doubt she'd even go to something like that."

Marth nodded.

"That's true. Samus never really was one for social events. It might be more trouble than it's worth."

"Well, technically speaking," Link piped up, "you can get her to go with you, if you play your cards right."

Pit brightened up a bit.

"Really? How?"

"I've got the perfect idea. I'm going to use the exact same thing on Zelda." Link leaned over and whispered into Pit's ear.

Forget eggplants, Pit's head nearly turned into a tomato it got so red.

"No way. NO FREAKING WAY."

"That may be your only shot, bud."

Ike and Marth leaned in.

"What did he say?"

Pit's voice was quivering.

"Link, w-where… h-how did you… w-w-why… YOU'RE GOING TO USE THAT ON ZELDA?! SHE MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK!"

"What did he say?!"

"Well, I told you that I needed to spice things up a bit. It'll probably work for Samus, too."

"What did he say?!"

"There's no way I'd ever do that!"

"OH MY ASHERA PIT WHAT THE HELL DID HE SAY?!"

Pit's face had gone from beet red to white as a ghost.

"I don't think you want to know…"

Marth looked angrily to Link.

"Oh, why do you have be such a perv when there's an angel around?! He'll probably send us all to hell!"

Pit cleared his throat.

"No… it may be the only way…"

Marth's jaw dropped.

"What? WHAT?!"

"Think about it! I'm about the only one who's ever been this close to Samus! Most of the guys who try what Link suggested aren't! That means I've got a shot, right?"

The prince was unconvinced.

"Don't do it, Pit. She'll never treat you the same way again."

Link flashed a devilish grin.

"My point exactly!"

Link put his arm around Pit and led him away, going into a spheal of every specific thing that he was supposed to do.

Ike looked to Marth.

"This could be funny."

He stumbled out of his seat and trailed them closely.

Marth just sighed and put his head in his hands.

"Why do they never listen to me?"

"Who?"

Marth jumped. Whipping around to the source of the noise, he caught the twinkling eyes of Peach, who had snuck up behind him. She held a small salad in her dainty hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" She rushed out an apology. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"N-no… it's fine. I just wasn't expecting to see you."

He looked around.

"Where are Samus and Zelda?"

Peach looked away.

"Oh, Zelda's in her room reading, and I think Sammy went to the gym. Target practice, or something. Why?"

"Oh, no reason. But I think they're in for a very flirty surprise…"

"What?"

"Nothing! So, why are you here? Shouldn't you be hinting for Ike to ask you to the dance?"

She sat down and sighed.

"No… actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about…"

Marth's eyes widened.

"Uh… yeah?"

Peach looked up.

"Would… would you-?"

"HEY MARTH!" Ike's voice thundered across the cafeteria. The prince whirled his head around.

"WHAT?!"

"AREN'T YOU COMING?"

The bluenette hung his head.

"Yeah, I'm coming."

He looked back up to Peach.

"Sorry, princess. Can you tell me later? I've got to go."

She smiled half-heartedly.

"Y-yes. Go have fun. I'll see you later."

Marth smiled, stood up, and walked away.

Peach's gaze left him and settled on her salad.

_Oh, why am I having these thoughts? I'm Ike's girlfriend, not his!_

—

Zelda was in her room, casually reading her copy of _Romeo and Juliet _that she borrowed from the Smash Manor Library. It was such a sweet, sad story. So sweet that it pushed the words on the page aside altogether, allowing the only thought that permeated her mind to be Link and the upcoming dance. It was only a few days away… why had he not asked her if she wanted to go or not? Was he no longer interested? Maybe it was only his sense of chivalry or duty that had propelled him to rescue her from time to time. Maybe he didn't like her in the first place. Maybe-

Zelda put down the book.

_No… that can't be… I'm just overthinking things. He'll ask me when he's ready._

She turned the page and sighed, returning to her love story.

Just outside, a group of four teens were arguing amongst themselves.

"Link, don't do this! She's not ready for something this bold!" Of course this was Marth, he was the only one against the plan.

"Oh, pipe down already. Zelda needs this and so do I. I won't even make it that bad. I've just gotta show Pit the ropes."

He looked to the angel, who was beginning to have second thoughts.

"Alright, Pit, listen up. The way to win a girl is to always start casually. Pretend you're not even interested at first. Then…"

Pit's eyes were huge.

"T-then…?"

Link snickered.

"_Surprise her."_

He looked to Ike.

"Alright. Of course you know that you guys can't be around when I do this, so I need you to take Pit to the security room and have him watch the cameras installed in Zelda's dorm."

Marth furrowed his brow.

"But… there AREN'T any cameras installed in the dorms…"

Once again, he got a devilish grin from Link.

"Maybe not in the BOYS dorms…"

Ike shook his head.

"Honestly, Link, you get more amazing by the day."

Link bowed.

"Thank you, thank you. Now go!" He pulled out a bottle of Golden Chu Jelly and stuck it in his pocket.

Pit perked up.

"What's THAT for?"

Link shrugged.

"Dramatic effect."

Not fully understanding, the angel fluttered off behind Ike and Marth, who were sprinting off to the security room.

Link turned to the door and drew a deep breath.

"Here we go…"

—

Zelda clapped her book shut.

Link took a step toward the door.

Pit, Ike, and Marth burst into the security room.

Zelda set the book on her dresser.

Link raised a hand to knock.

Pit, Ike and Marth found Zelda's screen and huddled around it.

Link stuffed a rose in his pocket, alongside the Chu Jelly.

Zelda flopped down on her mattress and sighed. Surely her hero would be along soon eno-

* * *

_Thump! Thump! Thump!_

The princess nearly flew out of bed as Link knocked. Eagerly she bolted for the door, as fast as her flowing dress would permit.

She opened it to find the Hero of Time, leaning against the side of the doorway with a playful smirk on his face.

"Evening, princess… May I come in?"

Zelda could already feel breath escaping her.

"O-of course! Come in!"

Casually Link strutted in the door, hands wedged in his pockets. He broke away the rose's thorns with his rough fingertips as he gripped it and the bottle in his hands.

Zelda shut the door behind him, her heart fluttery and excited.

"So… princess… there was something I wanted to ask you…"

The brunette could almost feel her heart stop. Quickly she whirled around.

"Y-yes, Link?"

Without a word, he got down to business. The first thing he did was draw the Master Sword, much to Zelda's surprise. Becoming incredibly slow in his motions her brought it to his features, whereas he drew his tongue down the broad end of it, sending blissful chills of interest up the princess's spine. Moving the blade to his chest he traced the edge down his shirt, slicing the fabric cleanly in two. As he reached the shirt's end he tore apart any remaining, connecting fabric with his hands, startling the silence, and especially, the princess. He took his garments and dropped them to the floor, leaving his muscled chest for the sorceress to behold. And behold she did, a fiery blush burning across her face.

"L-L-L…"

He moved to his tights next. Again taking the Master Sword, he sliced them both up the sides and stepped out of them, taking the rose and bottle out first. He was now left only in his boxers and hat. He lashed the blade with his tongue once more before slowly pulling off his forest green cap, carelessly casting it aside. He dropped the sword as well.

Zelda could hardly breathe.

He took a slow, intimidating step forward. Zelda stood straight as a board as he approached, shaking violently with excitement and anticipation. As he drew closer, he raised a hand to her cheek and leaned in.

"So… Zelda…"

He lifted the rose and bit the stem between his teeth.

"Will you go to the dance with me…?"

Zelda wanted to scream YES to the heavens, but she was incapable of speaking. She shuddered under the cool flow of his breath, while he came nearer and nearer.

For a second, it seemed like she wouldn't respond at all. It was then decided.

Link had to use his secret weapon.

Lifting the bottle of Golden Chu Jelly over his head, he uncorked it, allowing the syrupy, yellowed liquid to flow into his hair and down his face like a stream of honey over warm pancakes. He licked it off the sides of his mouth as it trickled down onto his chest, glittering brightly in the summer sun that was beaming through the windows. Taking it a step further he put both hands on Zelda's shoulders and pressed his lips to hers, allowing the jelly's sweet taste to pass from him to her.

When he opened his eyes, he gave the princess a half smile.

"So…?"

Zelda was nearly in tears of joy. Eagerly she struggled to put words together on how much she loved him, on how much she would give up for him, on how much she loved it whenever he did something like this. But for now, it was all she could say to mutter a silent:

"_…y-yes… I w-would l-l-love to…"_

Link's grin grew a little. Moving his hands from her shoulders to around her waist, he once again met her lips with his, this time in a more heated, passionate kiss.

Unable to process everything she was feeling, the poor princess fainted happily in her hero's arms.

Link suddenly realized that he made the girl pass out.

"Whoops. Guess I went a little too far."

The guys in the security room burst out laughing.

—

**And Pit plans to do the exact same thing to Samus... MWEHEHE**

**Pit: W-why?!**

**Cuz I'm the author. I call the shots.**

**Pit: Okay...**

**Samus: *is thinking* _can't wait can't wait can't wait_**

**Lucario: *walks up to Link* Do I need to punch you, too?!**

** Link: AHH! *runs***

**Lucario: C'mere! *chases***

** Guys! Stop messing around! And someone get poor Zellie to a doctor!**

** Ike: *stomps angrily up to author* What the hell was that?! Where was the Peach/Ike fluff?!**

** *crosses arms* I said there would be fluff. I never said it'd be for you.**

** *Ike whacks the author with Ragnell***

** Yeah, it was the weekend, and Megaranger66 said that he wouldn't untie me until I got another chapter done, so here you go! New chapter a day or so after the old one!**

** Oh, and when I say I'm going to put in sexual undertones *wink wink*, I put in sexual undertones.**

** That Link/Zelda scene in the end goes out to you, Burning Light and Crystal, for adding my stuff to the Pit x Samus group. Plus, I know how much you luuuuuuuuv our little Hero of Seduction…*wink wink wink***

** Oh, and if you were confused as to why Link was licking up Lantern Oil, keep in mind that I meant RARE CHU JELLY, not Yellow Chu Jelly. There's a difference, y'know.**

** Can't think of much else, except the fact that I should probably stop typing this and go to sleep. **

** Until next time, then!**

** -Mohawkman2233**

** (P.S. Link's such a horn dog…)**

** Link: *with black eye* I HEARD THAT!**


	9. Guns and Roses

** Pit! You coming or not?**

** Pit: *is hiding in his room* There's no way I'm doing this! I changed my mind!**

** Come on! People left good reviews to see you try to seduce Samus! Are you going to let them all down?**

** Pit: Hell yes!**

** TOO BAD! I'M THE AUTHOR! YOU'LL DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO!**

** Pit: *walks out of room* *is only in his boxers* *has a collar and chain around his neck* Ok…**

** Oh SSAAAAAMMMMUUUSSSS…**

** Pit: *tries to run* *author holds him by the ear* OH SWEET PALUTENA PLEASE NO**

** Samus: *walks in* You rang?**

** *sees Pit in his boxers* **

** Samus: SQUEEEEEEEEE**

** *author shoves Pit on top of her***

** Go get'm, tiger! **

** Pit: *blushing* U-uh… h-h-hi…**

** Samus: C'mere, you… *bites him***

** Pit: *moans***

** *author is videotaping the whole thing***

** Heh… yeah…**

** *Lucario crashes through the roof***

** Lucario: DIE PERVERTS DIE *punches everyone***

** *author hides in the fridge and types fanfiction on his handy-dandy laptop***

The smoldering fragments of one of Smash Manor's Gym Targets clattered to the floor as Samus blew another in half.

For some reason, she always saw it fit to hone her aim right after she had relaxed. For instance, she had gotten out of the hot tub and changed only hours before. Now she was here, power suit pulsing, arm cannon sizzling as she split another target in two with a missile.

Our original four was just outside the gym, not having the best of luck convincing Pit to make his move.

"Seriously! There's no way she'd ever go along with this! She could kill me!" Pit was nearly in hysterics while Link and Ike pushed him along.

"Come on! You'll never know if you don't try!" Ike was practically shoving the poor angel through the door.

Link was right behind him.

"Seriously! It worked for Zelda! Who's to say it won't work for you?"

Marth was the only one taking Pit's side. He stood behind the hero and the mercenary, desperately trying to change their minds.

"Link, you know better than all of us how different Samus is from Zelda! She's not one for these kinds of things! Let the poor kid go!"

However, Marth's words fell on deaf ears. With one final heave, the archer had been thrown inside, the door slammed behind him.

He pounded on the glass.

"GUYS, PLEASE! I CAN'T DO THIS!"

Ike shrugged.

"We're not letting either of you out until SOMETHING goes down. You may as well buck up and give it a shot."

Link came a bit closer.

"You got your Drink of the Gods?"

Pit sighed. He lifted the red basin from behind his back.

"Yeah…"

"Good. If things start to fail, use that. Girls can't STAND that. It's like an obsession they all share."

Marth glared at the two blocking the door.

"Come on, guys. Are you SERIOUSLY willing to believe that _Pit _can pull of something like this?"

"Of course he can! All he has to do is reach deep within himself and pull out that heavenly sex object that all the fangirls see him as!"

"Link, stop being so creepy. It's like you're thing today."

"HOW AM I BEING CREEPY?! I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP THE POOR KID-"

The commotion caught Samus's attention from the other side of the room. Eyes shifting from the targets, she spotted what appeared to be Pit, Link, Ike, and Marth having a conversation through the glass doors. Interested, she lowered her cannon and started towards them, deactivating the training sequence.

The poor angel looked like he was losing his mind.

"PLEASE, LINK! SHE'LL NEVER-"

"Pit, stop being such a wuss and just go for it! You'll never know if you don't try-"

Out of the corner of his eye, the Hero spotted the huntress as she made her way across the gym. With a thumbs up to Pit he scrambled away, the other guys hot on his heels.

"NO! WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME!"

"Pit?"

"GAH!"

In a flash the angel had whirled around and pressed his back against the doors. His pupils quivered as a hot blush painted his face red.

"Whoa, easy there. Didn't mean to startle you." Even through the metallic, robotic muffle of her helmet, the angel could still make out her silky, steely voice. He shuddered.

"O-Oh, n-no… It's fine…"

There was a pause. Pit's mind raced.

_Oh Palutena, what do I do now?! Will she ever respect me again? What'll she feel like if I screw this up?! What if she laughs?! Oh, that would be horrible-_

While fought with his inner demons, Samus simply stood there and stared, a tad confused.

_Why is he so nervous? Is it my suit? Technology always seemed to confuse him… but it's not like I'm into all that holy hocus-pocus he packs in that bow, either… Why is he staring at me?_

She spoke again, a twinge of concern in her voice.

"You alright? You seem tense."

Pit hurriedly nodded his head.

"Y-yeah! Never better!"

There was another pause.

"Well… I'm going to go resume my target practice… you can join if you want…"

Again, a hurried nod.

She shrugged and stomped away, visor switching into combat mode.

Pit relaxed a bit, lowering the bases of his wings from the wall.

_Well, I suppose I have no choice._

Clenching the rose in his pocket that he had been given by Link, the angel took one hesitant step after another as he advanced on Samus. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead. His whole body trembled. His wings twitched with anxious excitement. He could hardly breathe.

She was only a few steps away. She had just finished off the last of the targets. Now was his chance.

Once again, Samus's eyes shifted to the angel, who had suddenly appeared right next to her. A meager tint of red appeared under her helmet. Had he come to watch her?

No. Actually, it was the quite the opposite.

His trembling little voice could hardly be heard over the sizzle of the arm cannon.

"S-Samus…"

She turned her head.

"Hmm?"

Breaking through the final line of his inhibitions, the angel began his performance. Mimicking what he had seen Link do earlier, he took one of his daggers and brought it to his lips. As he drew his tongue across it, however, he pressed a tad too hard, causing the edge to draw a little blood. Pit winced and released a stifled mewl, eyes squeezing shut for a split second.

Samus was in shock.

_What in Earth is he-?_

Ignoring the pain and terrible taste in his mouth, the archer lowered the knife to his chest. He traced it down the middle of his toga, just as Link had. He tore apart the remaining fabric, but hadn't accounted for his wings fastening the tunic to his back. Skittishly, he reached back to pull it off, only to prick himself with the bow's tip. Once again he winced. He wasn't used to using his blades like this.

Even Samus had to blush as the angel finally removed the garment, disclosing his small, yet powerful figure.

Pit wasn't wearing any boxers at the present minute, merely a pair of child-like briefs hidden beneath his spandex shorts. Those would most likely prove to be a turnoff to the huntress, so the angel let them be. With a trembling arm he removed his boots, reddening furiously with every movement. He pulled out his laurel crown and shook out his hair, letting the sweet ruffles entertain Samus for a brief minute. It fell to the floor with a light tinkle, shattering the silence like a sledgehammer through thin ice.

It was time. He had to drop the question. The foreplay was unbearable anymore, no matter how short it had been.

Reaching into his pocket, he revealed his piece de resistance, the rose. Acting slowly, but with a quiver in his motions, he placed it between his pearly teeth, forgetting to remove the thorns due to his anxiety. They stabbed into his lipped like the spurs on a pinecone, causing him to scream on the inside. A small tear rolled down his cheek as he stifled the pain.

Samus was beginning to grow concerned.

"P-Pit… why are-"

He cut her off. He had to finish.

"S-so… S-S-Samus…"

He took a shaky step forward.

Samus flinched. Pit wasn't like this. No way would this sweet little angel stoop to something so dirty… and fail at it. Granted, he was putting on quite a show, but not in the way he envisioned. He approached her slowly, while she stood in a bewildered state, eager and curious to find out where he would go next.

Pit cursed under his breath when he realized that putting a hand to the huntress's cheek would be futile, as she was wearing her helmet. As he came as near as he could, Samus took a half step back, tensed and confused.

The angel began to panic.

_No! I can't give up yet! I'm so close!_

A thought crossed his mind.

_It might be the right time to use it…_

Lifting the red basin of the Drink of the Gods high above his fluffy locks, he uncapped the scarlet jug, allowing the liquid to rain down onto his face. Unfortunately, this fluid was much more fast-flowing than Link's Golden Chu Jelly, instantly pooling at the angel's feet. His adorable hair was soaked, now matted to his forehead. Dying to speak, but with nothing to say, he could only take a step forward, as if he were chasing the girl in front of him. However, the liquid snuck up under his feet, causing the poor teen to slip and stumble to the floor.

Samus observed the angel. He was on all fours, Drink of the Gods dripping down his moistened locks. He glanced up at her, tears staining his sapphire eyes as his cheeks grew flustered with frustration and embarrassment. His wings drooped into the otherworldly concoction, staining the pure, snow-white feathers. He looked like a wounded puppy, lost and cast aside. Silently he begged for forgiveness, simply wishing to sink into the ground and never exist.

She took a knee. She raised an armored finger to his sopping wet hair, lifting a few strands out of his eyes. She spoke very softly.

"Yes, Pit?"

The archer had nearly forgotten what he had set out to ask.

"O-Oh… w-well… it's n-not important…"

The huntress sighed.

"It seems pretty important, for you to go to such great lengths for it."

The angel lifted his knees to his chest, hiding his exposed figure in his sloppy, tainted wings.

"W-well… I-I w-was just w-w-wondering…"

Her eyebrows jumped.

"Yes?"

His little voice was even quieter now than it was before.

"_…would you like to go to the dance with me…?"_

Samus smirked. That's what he as up to. He only wanted a date.

She smiled brightly, nearly invisible to Pit under the thick steel of her helmet.

"Sure! I'd love to go with you."

The brunette's heart nearly leapt out of his chest. He succeeded.

With a warm grin, the huntress embraced her angel, perplexed as to how he could still smell so good after being drenched in some foreign drink. Screaming happiness held tightly within his heart, he hugged her as well, the tough metal of the Varia Suit creaking as Pit squeezed it ever so tightly.

Just outside, the guys had returned, and had been given quite the front-row seat to all of the actions displayed.

As you might imagine, all three were in shock.

Ike's voice was a lot less powerful than usual.

"He did it…"

Marth crossed his arms.

"What did I tell you? No way could he go through it with the way YOU described."

Link gave the prince a cold stare.

"Okay, fine, got it. We're stupid, you're a genius. Happy?"

The Altean grinned from ear to ear.

"Extremely."

Back inside, Samus was helping the poor angel to his feet. She bent her arm around his waist and leaned him on her side, serving no purpose to remove the blush from his face.

"Pit… that was very… _out of character…_ for you."

He looked to the floor.

"I know… I'm sorry…"

"Someone put you up to it, didn't they?"

He jumped.

"W-what?! N-no, they j-just…" His gaze caught the glass doors, where his "supporters" were watching intently. As soon as he caught eye contact, Samus traced his vision with her own, reaching the doors and the perpetrators behind them.

She fumed. Her arm cannon began to charge a shot. She ran for the door.

"LINK I SWEAR I'M GOING TO KILL YOU THIS TIME!"

The guys scrambled away.

**What? You didn't think Pit really COULD pull something like that off, did you? Pff. I have a better chance at that than he does.**

** Pit: Hey! I resent that!**

** Samus: *tugs on his chain* Go back to your cage.**

** Pit: Yes ma'am.**

** You know, I was originally going to strike a deal with you guys, saying that the more reviews you leave me, the faster I'll update. But, sadly, that appears to not be the case. One, I'll just be slow and let you all down anyway, and two, two viewers just used the review box to argue with each other, which really annoyed me. So… no deal.**

** Okay guys, imma gush for a bit, so if you don't feel like listening, feel free to leave.**

** Like, no joke. LEAVE. Stuff's about to get serious.**

** I met this girl. (I know, great opening, right?) She reminds me of Samus in every way. It's like, scary perfect. Of course she doesn't look like her, but more their personalities are similar. I personally like to think of myself having a personality similar to Pit. Do you see where I'm going with this?**

** No?**

** I'll spell it out for you.**

** IM TOTALLY HEAD OVER HEELS FOR HER AND I WANT TO SEE IF A PIT PERSONALITY WILL WORK ON A SAMUS PERSONALITY SO I CAN JUSTIFY MY BELIEFS AND SHOVE IT DOWN THE INTERNETS THROAT**

** That's clear enough, right?**

** Well, I'm done with that. As always, please fav and review, and be sure to check out the monthly poll! Au revoir! (Yes, I take French now.)**

** -Mohawkman2233**

** There. That wasn't so bad, was it?**

** Pit: *is getting a shoulder rub from Samus* Y'know, not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.**


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